Hi my babies,
I've been trying to get around to writing the two of you a letter for quite some time now. Between work, personal responsibilities, and being pregnant with you, I have been busy (and exhausted) to say the least.
I hope you both know how excited your dad and I are to meet you. We have waited and prayed for you for a loooooong time. It has not been an easy journey, but we never gave up hope. We searched many years for the right path that eventually lead us straight to you. Once our path was clear, we knew that we were all meant to be a family. Discovering I was pregnant, and then a couple weeks later finding out that I was pregnant with not only ONE baby, but TWO, were the two happiest days of mine and your father's lives!!! Hearing your heart beats for the very first time, (and every time since then) has been the loveliest music to my ears.
One day you will learn that our family isn't the most conventional family, but that the unique opportunity that brought us together is what makes our family so special. Always remember that your father and I chose you, and that we will love you unconditionally forever. I like to think that you chose us in return. The day we finally found you, I had so much joy in my heart and felt peace that you were ours to keep. Your Grandpa DeCastro said something to me a few months ago when I was about 12 weeks pregnant that has resonated with me since. He said, "You may not be the fire that originally lit the star, but you are the fire that is keeping the star burning. Your blood is flowing through these babies, and you are the reason they are growing and developing."
You are so loved, and I can't even begin to describe how thrilled everyone is to meet you. I kid you not, you two are celebrities! Grandma and Grandpa DeCastro and Grandma and Grandpa Brown are already over the moon in love with you. So are all of your aunts, uncles, cousins, and our friends. I have never felt so many people send so much love towards two humans as I have you two. I have also made many friends simply because I am pregnant with you. Everyone is so excited to meet you little cuties.
Your presence has made me a better, happier person. I laugh ALL of the time and feel so much joy. You two put me at peace, and carrying you two around makes me giggle more than I ever have before. Feeling your little kicks and punches is the most magical feeling in the world to me, and your daddy tells me all of the time how beautiful I am. It is you two (and your daddy) that have made me feel the most beautiful and happy I have ever felt.
I know that I will not be the perfect mom. My patience is not always the best, and sometimes my priorities get weird (like having a clean house is more important to me vs. being happy and nice despite having a clean house), but I am going to do my best to be a mom you are happy to have raise you. I will do my best to give you a fun childhood, and let you explore passions and hobbies that are important to you. That doesn't mean I won't say no to certain things (probably more than you wish I would, haha) but I will say yes, too.
I can't wait to watch you two grow, and see your little personalities develop. You better believe I am going to snuggle and kiss you two sooooo much. Probably until you are too old for me to be doing that to you anymore. I already get sad thinking about you growing up and probably not liking me so much anymore. But I hope we will always be close, and that you know you can come to me and your dad with anything.
Lastly, I hope you are both kind and loving to each other. My biggest hope is that you two will have each other's backs, and that you will continue to have a strong bonding friendship in each other that you will not find anywhere else. Lean on each other through the good times and the bad. Stick up for each other, and remember to be kind and loving to others as well. I already know that you are such special humans with big, beautiful hearts. I can't wait to officially meet you in a few weeks time. Until then, keep growing inside of my belly. Your dad and I will be the first to greet you as you make your entrance into this big, scary, beautiful, wonderful world. Thank you for making me a mom. I love you my son, and my daughter.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
The Grand Announcement!
Here is the video I made for our pregnancy announcement, and the text that I posted along with it on Facebook. We announced to the world on Super Bowl Sunday (aka February 5, 2018).
"Sound on. And sorry FB posted it blurry, but watch to the very end for extra bonus videos.
First off, I’d like to thank everyone who helped support us in our IVF fundraisers I did back in the summer and fall of 2016. Everyone’s love and support for us as we saved up for an expensive and emotional procedure to start a family meant the world to Vance and me.
I feel like years of infertility was the biggest push at getting me back into my art, and also pushed me to follow through on executing my ideas in a creative way. If I couldn’t have the family I desired, I needed more than ever to nurture a lost passion and cultivate any lost or hidden talents I might have. I have explored new mediums and experimented with different art styles, hoping to really find my niche along the way. I hasn’t been easy and I still have a long road of improvement to go, but I’ve had fun feeling like myself again. Getting back into art, as rusty and incompetent as I feel, had brought me joy and excitement.
Lastly, music has always spoken volumes to us. When I first heard this song last spring (Cross My Mind, by Arizona), I instantly fell in love with it. As I listened to the words and the melody, an idea quickly formed in my mind, and I prayed that one day I would be able to have an excuse and a reason to turn the story into a real life video that I could share with the world. Today is that day. Today, I finally get to share the idea that formed in my head with all of you.
Thank you Brandon Orton for helping me put this video together!!"
"Sound on. And sorry FB posted it blurry, but watch to the very end for extra bonus videos.
First off, I’d like to thank everyone who helped support us in our IVF fundraisers I did back in the summer and fall of 2016. Everyone’s love and support for us as we saved up for an expensive and emotional procedure to start a family meant the world to Vance and me.
I feel like years of infertility was the biggest push at getting me back into my art, and also pushed me to follow through on executing my ideas in a creative way. If I couldn’t have the family I desired, I needed more than ever to nurture a lost passion and cultivate any lost or hidden talents I might have. I have explored new mediums and experimented with different art styles, hoping to really find my niche along the way. I hasn’t been easy and I still have a long road of improvement to go, but I’ve had fun feeling like myself again. Getting back into art, as rusty and incompetent as I feel, had brought me joy and excitement.
Lastly, music has always spoken volumes to us. When I first heard this song last spring (Cross My Mind, by Arizona), I instantly fell in love with it. As I listened to the words and the melody, an idea quickly formed in my mind, and I prayed that one day I would be able to have an excuse and a reason to turn the story into a real life video that I could share with the world. Today is that day. Today, I finally get to share the idea that formed in my head with all of you.
Thank you Brandon Orton for helping me put this video together!!"
Double Vision
So much has happened in the last year, that it's hard to know where to begin. So I'm just going to start with where I am at right now.
As of last Wednesday, I am 21.5 weeks pregnant with twins. Yes, you read that right......I am pregnant! And there are two of them growing inside of me! Saying I am pregnant is something I never thought I would have the privilege to say. Yet here I am writing it out, and having the hardest time staying awake to write it because I AM pregnant and it is late afternoon and I am soooooo damn sleepy! haha.
Getting pregnant was not easy. It took Vance and I six years and countless infertility treatments to get to this point. We are elated, and so are our family and friends. So many friends and family are also so excited, because they think that we are one of those couples who have finally conquered infertility....which isn't exactly true. Infertility will always be a part of me, and one day, if I am willing to publicly explain the full story of how I was able to carry these children, it might make more sense as to why I am not fully willing to say that I have conquered infertility.
But, what I can say is that I am beyond thrilled and feel so blessed to be pregnant. I am absolutely loving being pregnant and watching my body go through all of these miraculous changes. Every night as I am getting ready for bed, I look in the mirror and admire my bump. Vance and I are so in awe of what is going on inside of my body, and can't even begin to describe how blessed we feel. In just a few short months, I am going to become a mother, and Vance is going to become a father! We have been busy working on a nursery for our sweet little ones, and and I am still trying to put together a registry for baby showers. There is so much to learn and prepare for! We are probably super behind, and I know that I for one feel inadequate, but the love I have for these tiny little miracles is immeasurable. I am comforted in knowing that Vance and I will figure it all out in our own due time.
Vance and I were finally able to begin another round of IVF last fall. It was a frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle this time, so fortunately I didn't have to harvest my eggs and do the first round of IVF that I explained in detail in my blog from the spring of 2016. But it was still really intricate, time sensitive, and intense. Lots of medications, lots of shots, lots of vaginal suppositories and vaginal ultrasounds, and lots of doctor visits. Very emotional and exhausting, but very well worth it.
I went into this last round full of hope, but prepared for a negative sign. If this didn't work out, we had already made the decision that we were done taking this avenue to start our family, and might be ready to accept that we would be happy just being a family of 3 (Vance, Mosie our dog, and me). So when my nurse called me on November 16, 2017 at 2:00 pm and told me that my blood work confirmed that I was DEFINITELY pregnant, you can probably only imagine the amount of shock, surprise, and disbelief I was in. I was in tears and screaming. Never had I felt so much joy and happiness. I immediately FaceTimed Vance, and words cannot describe the amount of joy, happiness, excitement and gratitude he expressed in his voice and on his face.
Telling our family and friends was equally as exciting. Everyone has been so supportive and happy for us through this journey. We announced our pregnancy to immediate family over Thanksgiving holiday. Then I told a few very close friends in my ward and made them promise not to tell anybody. On December 5, 2017 we went in for our a 7 week ultrasound, and that ultrasound confirmed that both embryos we transferred into my body worked. We were expecting twins!!! That made for even more exciting news. The babies were such small little beans at that point, yet those perfect little beans had heartbeats. We got to hear their tiny little heartbeats and their mama and daddy were in tears. It was music to our ears. The fertility clinic kept a close eye on me for the next couple of weeks to make sure both of our babies were growing at an accurate speed, and at 9 weeks pregnant on December __, I became a graduate from the Utah Fertility Center. They congratulated me, sent me on my way, and I was off to find an OB to monitor me over the remaining amount of my pregnancy.
Over Christmas, we announced the good news to our extended families, and on January 8 as I was nearing the end of my first trimester, I told my co-workers. On January 18 (week 13), we had my first ever belly ultrasound! It was so nice to not have to drop my pants for an ultrasound for a change. Vance was with me at this appointment and we got to meet our new doctor. We both really like him, and it was of course wonderful to get to see little Baby A and Baby B on the screen and hear their beautiful heartbeats.
By February 5, I was finished creating my baby announcement and we told the rest of the world via Facebook and Instagram. I feel like everyone has triumphed with us, and it has been a truly remarkable experience.
The first trimester had its ups and downs. I experienced fatigue and lots of smell aversions, had a hard time figuring out what I did and didn't like to eat, couldn't stomach water or many other liquids (therefore dehydrating myself), was always out of breath (still am), and got nausea and sickness at night. I threw up several times, but not too often. Overall, I would say I handled my first trimester pretty well, but I was definitely excited to leave it behind and start my second trimester.
Second trimester has been a dream! Although my body is clearly changing and getting bigger everyday, I feel so good. Food is good to me. Smells are normal and not setting me off. I'm not nauseous. I can drink water. I AM always tired, I am always out of breath, and I am starting to have a tricky time getting up off the sofa or rolling from side to side in bed at night, but I love these symptoms! I love that every day my belly looks bigger than it did the last. I love that I can feel tiny little movements inside of my body. And I love that my body seems to be accepting these changes with open arms. I have energy to work, clean my house, cook, play with my puppy...etc. All things I didn't have energy or motivation to do during my first trimester.
On March 15, 2018 we went in for our big 21 week ultrasound. They examined both babies in detail and the doctor identified their genders to us. This was one of the best days of our lives, so I would like to end this post here, and start a new post specifically for this day.
Enjoy some pictures from our pregnancy journey up until this point.
As of last Wednesday, I am 21.5 weeks pregnant with twins. Yes, you read that right......I am pregnant! And there are two of them growing inside of me! Saying I am pregnant is something I never thought I would have the privilege to say. Yet here I am writing it out, and having the hardest time staying awake to write it because I AM pregnant and it is late afternoon and I am soooooo damn sleepy! haha.
Getting pregnant was not easy. It took Vance and I six years and countless infertility treatments to get to this point. We are elated, and so are our family and friends. So many friends and family are also so excited, because they think that we are one of those couples who have finally conquered infertility....which isn't exactly true. Infertility will always be a part of me, and one day, if I am willing to publicly explain the full story of how I was able to carry these children, it might make more sense as to why I am not fully willing to say that I have conquered infertility.
But, what I can say is that I am beyond thrilled and feel so blessed to be pregnant. I am absolutely loving being pregnant and watching my body go through all of these miraculous changes. Every night as I am getting ready for bed, I look in the mirror and admire my bump. Vance and I are so in awe of what is going on inside of my body, and can't even begin to describe how blessed we feel. In just a few short months, I am going to become a mother, and Vance is going to become a father! We have been busy working on a nursery for our sweet little ones, and and I am still trying to put together a registry for baby showers. There is so much to learn and prepare for! We are probably super behind, and I know that I for one feel inadequate, but the love I have for these tiny little miracles is immeasurable. I am comforted in knowing that Vance and I will figure it all out in our own due time.
Vance and I were finally able to begin another round of IVF last fall. It was a frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle this time, so fortunately I didn't have to harvest my eggs and do the first round of IVF that I explained in detail in my blog from the spring of 2016. But it was still really intricate, time sensitive, and intense. Lots of medications, lots of shots, lots of vaginal suppositories and vaginal ultrasounds, and lots of doctor visits. Very emotional and exhausting, but very well worth it.
I went into this last round full of hope, but prepared for a negative sign. If this didn't work out, we had already made the decision that we were done taking this avenue to start our family, and might be ready to accept that we would be happy just being a family of 3 (Vance, Mosie our dog, and me). So when my nurse called me on November 16, 2017 at 2:00 pm and told me that my blood work confirmed that I was DEFINITELY pregnant, you can probably only imagine the amount of shock, surprise, and disbelief I was in. I was in tears and screaming. Never had I felt so much joy and happiness. I immediately FaceTimed Vance, and words cannot describe the amount of joy, happiness, excitement and gratitude he expressed in his voice and on his face.
Telling our family and friends was equally as exciting. Everyone has been so supportive and happy for us through this journey. We announced our pregnancy to immediate family over Thanksgiving holiday. Then I told a few very close friends in my ward and made them promise not to tell anybody. On December 5, 2017 we went in for our a 7 week ultrasound, and that ultrasound confirmed that both embryos we transferred into my body worked. We were expecting twins!!! That made for even more exciting news. The babies were such small little beans at that point, yet those perfect little beans had heartbeats. We got to hear their tiny little heartbeats and their mama and daddy were in tears. It was music to our ears. The fertility clinic kept a close eye on me for the next couple of weeks to make sure both of our babies were growing at an accurate speed, and at 9 weeks pregnant on December __, I became a graduate from the Utah Fertility Center. They congratulated me, sent me on my way, and I was off to find an OB to monitor me over the remaining amount of my pregnancy.
Over Christmas, we announced the good news to our extended families, and on January 8 as I was nearing the end of my first trimester, I told my co-workers. On January 18 (week 13), we had my first ever belly ultrasound! It was so nice to not have to drop my pants for an ultrasound for a change. Vance was with me at this appointment and we got to meet our new doctor. We both really like him, and it was of course wonderful to get to see little Baby A and Baby B on the screen and hear their beautiful heartbeats.
By February 5, I was finished creating my baby announcement and we told the rest of the world via Facebook and Instagram. I feel like everyone has triumphed with us, and it has been a truly remarkable experience.
The first trimester had its ups and downs. I experienced fatigue and lots of smell aversions, had a hard time figuring out what I did and didn't like to eat, couldn't stomach water or many other liquids (therefore dehydrating myself), was always out of breath (still am), and got nausea and sickness at night. I threw up several times, but not too often. Overall, I would say I handled my first trimester pretty well, but I was definitely excited to leave it behind and start my second trimester.
Second trimester has been a dream! Although my body is clearly changing and getting bigger everyday, I feel so good. Food is good to me. Smells are normal and not setting me off. I'm not nauseous. I can drink water. I AM always tired, I am always out of breath, and I am starting to have a tricky time getting up off the sofa or rolling from side to side in bed at night, but I love these symptoms! I love that every day my belly looks bigger than it did the last. I love that I can feel tiny little movements inside of my body. And I love that my body seems to be accepting these changes with open arms. I have energy to work, clean my house, cook, play with my puppy...etc. All things I didn't have energy or motivation to do during my first trimester.
On March 15, 2018 we went in for our big 21 week ultrasound. They examined both babies in detail and the doctor identified their genders to us. This was one of the best days of our lives, so I would like to end this post here, and start a new post specifically for this day.
Enjoy some pictures from our pregnancy journey up until this point.
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| December 5, 2017. The day we found out we were having twins! 7 weeks |
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| Two babies!!! |
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| Week 12 ultrasound |
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| I started to "pop" around 14-15 weeks |
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| 17 weeks |
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| 18 weeks |
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| 18.5 weeks. In Phoenix, Arizona |
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| 19ish weeks |
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| 20ish weeks |
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| 21ish weeks |
Thursday, April 27, 2017
National Infertility Awareness Week
Having a family doesn't come easy for some people. Here is a video we created 5 months ago in hopes of winning an IVF grant through a very gracious and generous couple. We were not selected as winners, but because it is National Infertility Awareness Week and the 1 year anniversary of our unsuccessful round of in vitro fertilization, I thought I would share a quick story of our long journey to parenthood.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Not Okay
Hi, it's me at 11:00 on a Friday night. I've been marching in my bathroom for the past 1/2 hour trying to get my (Fitbit) steps in before the work week challenge against my co-workers ends in 54 minutes. As I was lamely marching to music in the bathroom, a beautifully sad song came on and I looked at the (pitiful) girl in the mirror and started crying. Why?
Because I'm not okay.
Infertility sucks. Every baby announcement sucks. Working full time and not being able to accomplish everything I want to sucks. Never even coming remotely close to being caught up on laundry or a clean house sucks. Having no time to become the artist that I want to become sucks. No one buying or caring about my artwork sucks. Being self conscious about myself sucks.
I've always been self conscious, insecure, and slightly ashamed/embarrassed of who I am. I struggled with it as a child, and have carried it almost daily into my adult life. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel like I am going to be good enough for myself. I use social media as a way to try and prove to myself and to others that I am good enough; that I am attractive, normal, confident, and not at all awkward when really, I don't truly believe any of these things to be true, and don't think anyone else does either. I WANT to be those things though, and this is why I post parts of my life on social media.
Things have gotten so bad lately that I have developed social anxiety. And I don't know if the heartache of infertility is just the last straw, but I find myself wishing I didn't ever have to go to work, church, or any other social events. I have a hard time being around people, and almost always want to be left alone. I'm also so self conscious of who I am, that I instantly hate every word that comes out of my mouth, and over analyze every social situation I am in. I worry about how I looked, how I sounded, and what I said. And I just feel really disconnected to people these days. The LDS community has become more of a place of anxiety for me, rather than a place of refuge. I wouldn't say that I am in an emotionally dark place, but I'm definitely in an emotionally odd place.
I am sure it's not true, but I have reverted to feelings I felt as a young teenager: that I am the laughing stock of everyone's day, or that people only talk to me because they pity me. And thus, I just want to be alone. I would normally classify myself as an extroverted introvert, but these days I would be thrilled to become a full on introvert.
I just want to be alone so I can find my happy place. I feel safe and comfortable in my home, with my husband and my dog. I am happy when I am home alone listening to music, singing, ugly dancing, and watching Netflix. I do like to be with family when time permits, and feel most in my element when I am listening to my music and working on the artwork (that I am too tired to be working on).
I also want to be alone so I can focus on my talents and discover any new ones that I might have, or that I might be able to acquire. I've always wanted to sing, despite my self consciousness for the way my voice sounds. I would love to take voice lessons, even though I'm sure it's too late to start at my age.
I've also been in an excruciating waiting game for adoption and IVF for a long time, and it's really getting to me. I've been losing so much sleep over it. When I'm not obsessing over all the creative ideas I wish I had time to bring to life, I'm obsessing over adoption/IVF, and how motherhood feels more like a fantasy than a reality for me.
I feel like I'm so weighed down and so crushed by my own circumstances that my oxygen levels are low. My two biggest dreams are to have a successful career as the kind of artist I want to be, and to be a mother who is given the opportunity to raise a family and give her children a memorable childhood. I want so desperately to experience pregnancy. However, I am neither of these things (successful artist or a mom), and at 30 years old, feel embarrassed of myself that I am so far behind in life on so many levels. I find myself avoiding conversations with others because I feel judged and/or pitied for not fitting the mold of where I should be or want to be at this stage in my life.
I feel like I'm so weighed down and so crushed by my own circumstances that my oxygen levels are low. My two biggest dreams are to have a successful career as the kind of artist I want to be, and to be a mother who is given the opportunity to raise a family and give her children a memorable childhood. I want so desperately to experience pregnancy. However, I am neither of these things (successful artist or a mom), and at 30 years old, feel embarrassed of myself that I am so far behind in life on so many levels. I find myself avoiding conversations with others because I feel judged and/or pitied for not fitting the mold of where I should be or want to be at this stage in my life.
Lastly, I wish to live a day without worrying about who I am. I wish to live a day without feeling like I am not pretty enough, smart enough, or likeable enough the way that I am. I want to be happy and feel normal. I hate that I'm not okay.
It's nearly midnight now. I am so exhausted. I'm sure this post makes no sense and is riddled with typos given the fact that I wrote this so late and am not going to proof read it. I am also almost positive I will regret posting this, as I am probably being overly dramatic because it IS so late and I AM so tired. But at least I poured it out there. Goodnight
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Small Business Owners, I Need Help
Question for Etsy shop/small business owners of over 2+ years: Is owning an Etsy shop (or
just doing your own small business in general) even worth it?
Etsy takes a portion of your sales, which I am fine with because it is user friendly and beats the alternative of building/buying your own website and paying for an annual domain and website fee. But by the time you file your taxes, have you even made any money at all?
Do you end up OWING money for all the hard work, sweat, and sleepless nights you poured into selling your work?
Oh, and how to do you even keep track of all of your supply expenses vs. what you earned back?
I'm just an artist who loves to create, and who wants to spread my wings and fly. However, creating the kind of art that I want to create takes a lot of time, patience, practice, rendering, creativity, money, and late nights. That, and I am completely clueless when it comes to business smarts.
Lately, I've had ideas pouring out of my ears, and no time to put them into fruition. Working full time, having daily personal responsibilities, fulfilling church callings, and most importantly, making time for my family usually means that (unfortunately) art is a last priority. I often go weeks or months without working on anything, even though it nags at my mind every day. It has been the most frustrating thing in the world.
In order for me to dedicate the kind of time I want into my passion, it often requires burning the midnight oil, which then results in a very exhausted Annika. It also results in a very messy/neglected house. This in turn, makes me very ornery.
There is also very little reward in terms of appreciation for the art I have created. I could spend hours, days, maybe even weeks on a project, and literally make pennies on it (and that's if I'm lucky, haha).
Here's the thing though. I have wanted to be an artist for sooooooo long. My entire life, in fact. But that's just it. I am an artist. Or at least an aspiring artist. I am an aspiring artist who works full time. I am NOT a business woman. I have studied, practiced, trained for, and loved art since I was a kid. I am creative, but I am not business savvy. I can barely organize my underwear drawer, let alone my business and business finances. Time management, focus, finances, and organization of ANY kind are not and never have been strong suits of mine.
I don't know who to talk to or where to turn to find help on how to do things from a business or financial aspect. And if I'm being honest, I wish I didn't have to worry about any of that stuff. It's too adult, too overwhelming, and too over my head. I want to stick to the creative side of things, but I am realizing that if I want to do what I love, I have to do a whole lot of what I don't love along with it. I need SO much help.
Sadly, lack of time and the "adult" technical part of things holds me back and makes me second guess trying to make a business of my art. And suggestions or encouraging words are appreciated.
Thanks and good day!
Etsy takes a portion of your sales, which I am fine with because it is user friendly and beats the alternative of building/buying your own website and paying for an annual domain and website fee. But by the time you file your taxes, have you even made any money at all?
Do you end up OWING money for all the hard work, sweat, and sleepless nights you poured into selling your work?
Oh, and how to do you even keep track of all of your supply expenses vs. what you earned back?
I'm just an artist who loves to create, and who wants to spread my wings and fly. However, creating the kind of art that I want to create takes a lot of time, patience, practice, rendering, creativity, money, and late nights. That, and I am completely clueless when it comes to business smarts.
Lately, I've had ideas pouring out of my ears, and no time to put them into fruition. Working full time, having daily personal responsibilities, fulfilling church callings, and most importantly, making time for my family usually means that (unfortunately) art is a last priority. I often go weeks or months without working on anything, even though it nags at my mind every day. It has been the most frustrating thing in the world.
In order for me to dedicate the kind of time I want into my passion, it often requires burning the midnight oil, which then results in a very exhausted Annika. It also results in a very messy/neglected house. This in turn, makes me very ornery.
There is also very little reward in terms of appreciation for the art I have created. I could spend hours, days, maybe even weeks on a project, and literally make pennies on it (and that's if I'm lucky, haha).
Here's the thing though. I have wanted to be an artist for sooooooo long. My entire life, in fact. But that's just it. I am an artist. Or at least an aspiring artist. I am an aspiring artist who works full time. I am NOT a business woman. I have studied, practiced, trained for, and loved art since I was a kid. I am creative, but I am not business savvy. I can barely organize my underwear drawer, let alone my business and business finances. Time management, focus, finances, and organization of ANY kind are not and never have been strong suits of mine.
I don't know who to talk to or where to turn to find help on how to do things from a business or financial aspect. And if I'm being honest, I wish I didn't have to worry about any of that stuff. It's too adult, too overwhelming, and too over my head. I want to stick to the creative side of things, but I am realizing that if I want to do what I love, I have to do a whole lot of what I don't love along with it. I need SO much help.
Sadly, lack of time and the "adult" technical part of things holds me back and makes me second guess trying to make a business of my art. And suggestions or encouraging words are appreciated.
Thanks and good day!
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Paget Family Photoshoot
Last spring while Vance and I were in the midst of IVF treatments, I had the privilege of taking family photos of the Paget family. Peggy and Thad are some of my best friends, and their son Rockwell is sooooo cute! They found a gorgeous location in SLC, and the weather was perfect. I know they are not great, but I am pleased with how they turned out...especially considering the photos were taken with an old point-and-shoot camera.
It only took me six months to edit the pics (I am a BIG TIME slacker/procrastinator), but I finally did it. Here are a few of my favorites.
Note: I have no intentions or desires of doing future family photography or photo editing.
It only took me six months to edit the pics (I am a BIG TIME slacker/procrastinator), but I finally did it. Here are a few of my favorites.
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| Save the best for last. This is my favorite one! |
Note: I have no intentions or desires of doing future family photography or photo editing.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
From the "Unexplained" to the "Explained"
As mentioned in past posts, Vance and I began our journey to start a family shortly after our one year anniversary, (October 22, 2011). Although it was scary to make that decision, it was mostly exciting. After 3 months of trying, I was getting discouraged and upset. It was taking so long! We had friends who were pregnant, a new baby niece, and young nephews. We were really hoping to get pregnant soon so that we could have kids around the same time as our family and friends.
Fast forward 1 year.
A year after trying, we started getting tested to see if we could figure out what was going on. We were both so sad, scared, and hopeful. Everything checked out okay on Vance's end, so my doctor started putting me on clomid and monitoring me with ultrasounds.
Fast forward 3 years.
3 years into trying, Vance had been tested several times, I had gone through multiple rounds of clomid and femara, we found our new doctor, I had X-rays and ultrasounds done on me to test everything out, and we had gone through 2 rounds of artificial insemination.
Fast forward 4 years.
At our 4 year mark of trying, we had 2 more rounds of artificial insemination under our belt for a total of 4 rounds (6 if you count the 2 other times we stopped the process right before the transfer date, due to my body's reaction to medications). We started applying for the Miracle Fund so that we could hopefully try IVF.
Fast forward to the present day.
At 4.5 years, life events finally led up to our desired IVF. Up until this point, we were still labeled as UNEXPLAINED. I bold that word and put it in all caps because it is an absolutely infuriating and haunting word for someone who has tried to find answers for as longs as we have. We went through the intense process of IVF as a couple diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
Almost 5 years of trying and one round of IVF later, we think we finally have an answer to the unexplained.
Vance and I have spent so many years being labeled as "unexplained" infertility, that it seems unreal that we now know the answer. We now know the reason behind the WHY. And even though I finally know the reason why, it all still feels so unexplained. I'm so grateful for the new knowledge, but I am also surprised with how little assurance and peace it has given me to know the answer. Perhaps I am just so jaded? I'm sure I won't accurately explain it, as a lot of what my doctor explained to me went over my head, but here it is in a nutshell:
Due to certain genes I carry, I guess my eggs have a very difficult time maturing. It is unexplained how or why this happens to some women, but for whatever reason...they don't mature. Thus they don't become fertilized and grow into humans.
They were able to find this out about me because of IVF. After all of the medication I was on during IVF, I still had very few eggs to collect. Of the 7 eggs they did collect, only 2 were mature. Of the 2 that matured and fertilized, only 1 survived. He said that normally, if 7 eggs were collected, 5-6 of those eggs should have been mature and survived to the embryo stage, while 1-2 might have died off. I was just the opposite: 1-2 survived to that stage, and 5-6 died. If my body had that hard of a time producing mature eggs while taking all of those medications that are catered to egg stimulation and quality, just imagine how slim my chances are on a normal month with no medications? Next to none.
It is possible that the one surviving embryo (Nemo) that was transferred to my body had issues due to the my egg condition, which caused it to die off inside of me. But at any rate, after receiving and pondering our new information, I have so many new questions. The main one is this: Have my eggs been this way since birth, or did my condition develop over time? Is there something I could have done differently to prevent this from happening? He mentioned "genes" that cause my eggs not to mature, so does that mean it was a predisposition?
We can try another round of IVF that would be much more tailored to my body and what Dr. Moore discovered, and thus could have better success the next time around. Finally discovering WHY we haven't been able to conceive has helped our doctor know how to specifically treat us. It is just a matter of money at this point.
We may or may not do IVF again in the near future. We re-applied for the Cycle Plus Money Back Guarantee program, so that we could hopefully try again (1 fresh cycle and 2 frozen if I have any embryos left to freeze) and get a portion of our money back if we don't become pregnant. However, I just got an email back today saying that the committee had time to review our latest records, and now we don't qualify at all.
Finding out that we didn't have embryos left to freeze was a huge loss for us. Finding out that Nemo didn't make it was a huge loss for us. I can't imagine trying this again, and going through that loss again, along with a loss of $18,000+. We would be much more willing to go through IVF again if we knew we could get a portion of the money back if it doesn't work. Not qualifying for the Money Back Guarantee makes me very reluctant. It's a huge game changer for us, since we are less willing to "gamble" that much money away.
I want anyone reading this to know that I am doing fine, I just wanted to finally update this chapter of our journey. I am focusing my time and energy right now on possible fundraisers we can do to help raise money for a future round of IVF. But even more importantly, I am also focusing on ME right now. I turn the big 3-0 in a couple short months. I want to be happy with myself and where I am at in my life as I hit this new mile-mark. I've dreaded turning 30 for a long time now, but I am learning to embrace it, and in return I am trying to love myself as I continue to grow up. I am doing so by exercising and finally getting my body into shape (for the first time in my life), and by re-connecting with my art. It has always been a dream of mine to be great at my passion, so while I am far from being a great artist, I am trying to get back on track.
Good things can and will happen for us. It might not come in the form of baby dust, but good things will happen because I am so driven to become a successful and talented woman that others can look up to.
Fast forward 1 year.
A year after trying, we started getting tested to see if we could figure out what was going on. We were both so sad, scared, and hopeful. Everything checked out okay on Vance's end, so my doctor started putting me on clomid and monitoring me with ultrasounds.
Fast forward 3 years.
3 years into trying, Vance had been tested several times, I had gone through multiple rounds of clomid and femara, we found our new doctor, I had X-rays and ultrasounds done on me to test everything out, and we had gone through 2 rounds of artificial insemination.
Fast forward 4 years.
At our 4 year mark of trying, we had 2 more rounds of artificial insemination under our belt for a total of 4 rounds (6 if you count the 2 other times we stopped the process right before the transfer date, due to my body's reaction to medications). We started applying for the Miracle Fund so that we could hopefully try IVF.
Fast forward to the present day.
At 4.5 years, life events finally led up to our desired IVF. Up until this point, we were still labeled as UNEXPLAINED. I bold that word and put it in all caps because it is an absolutely infuriating and haunting word for someone who has tried to find answers for as longs as we have. We went through the intense process of IVF as a couple diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
Almost 5 years of trying and one round of IVF later, we think we finally have an answer to the unexplained.
Vance and I have spent so many years being labeled as "unexplained" infertility, that it seems unreal that we now know the answer. We now know the reason behind the WHY. And even though I finally know the reason why, it all still feels so unexplained. I'm so grateful for the new knowledge, but I am also surprised with how little assurance and peace it has given me to know the answer. Perhaps I am just so jaded? I'm sure I won't accurately explain it, as a lot of what my doctor explained to me went over my head, but here it is in a nutshell:
Due to certain genes I carry, I guess my eggs have a very difficult time maturing. It is unexplained how or why this happens to some women, but for whatever reason...they don't mature. Thus they don't become fertilized and grow into humans.
They were able to find this out about me because of IVF. After all of the medication I was on during IVF, I still had very few eggs to collect. Of the 7 eggs they did collect, only 2 were mature. Of the 2 that matured and fertilized, only 1 survived. He said that normally, if 7 eggs were collected, 5-6 of those eggs should have been mature and survived to the embryo stage, while 1-2 might have died off. I was just the opposite: 1-2 survived to that stage, and 5-6 died. If my body had that hard of a time producing mature eggs while taking all of those medications that are catered to egg stimulation and quality, just imagine how slim my chances are on a normal month with no medications? Next to none.
It is possible that the one surviving embryo (Nemo) that was transferred to my body had issues due to the my egg condition, which caused it to die off inside of me. But at any rate, after receiving and pondering our new information, I have so many new questions. The main one is this: Have my eggs been this way since birth, or did my condition develop over time? Is there something I could have done differently to prevent this from happening? He mentioned "genes" that cause my eggs not to mature, so does that mean it was a predisposition?
We can try another round of IVF that would be much more tailored to my body and what Dr. Moore discovered, and thus could have better success the next time around. Finally discovering WHY we haven't been able to conceive has helped our doctor know how to specifically treat us. It is just a matter of money at this point.
We may or may not do IVF again in the near future. We re-applied for the Cycle Plus Money Back Guarantee program, so that we could hopefully try again (1 fresh cycle and 2 frozen if I have any embryos left to freeze) and get a portion of our money back if we don't become pregnant. However, I just got an email back today saying that the committee had time to review our latest records, and now we don't qualify at all.
Finding out that we didn't have embryos left to freeze was a huge loss for us. Finding out that Nemo didn't make it was a huge loss for us. I can't imagine trying this again, and going through that loss again, along with a loss of $18,000+. We would be much more willing to go through IVF again if we knew we could get a portion of the money back if it doesn't work. Not qualifying for the Money Back Guarantee makes me very reluctant. It's a huge game changer for us, since we are less willing to "gamble" that much money away.
I want anyone reading this to know that I am doing fine, I just wanted to finally update this chapter of our journey. I am focusing my time and energy right now on possible fundraisers we can do to help raise money for a future round of IVF. But even more importantly, I am also focusing on ME right now. I turn the big 3-0 in a couple short months. I want to be happy with myself and where I am at in my life as I hit this new mile-mark. I've dreaded turning 30 for a long time now, but I am learning to embrace it, and in return I am trying to love myself as I continue to grow up. I am doing so by exercising and finally getting my body into shape (for the first time in my life), and by re-connecting with my art. It has always been a dream of mine to be great at my passion, so while I am far from being a great artist, I am trying to get back on track.
Good things can and will happen for us. It might not come in the form of baby dust, but good things will happen because I am so driven to become a successful and talented woman that others can look up to.
Monday, May 16, 2016
Technology is Annoying
I apologize to anyone who has tried to leave me any comments on here and couldn't do so. They don't make managing these blogs very user friendly or very easy to figure out.
It looks like my comments section was blocked (who even knew that was a thing? I sure didn't), but I think I figured it out. I love comments, so feel free to drop me a line!
Thanks
It looks like my comments section was blocked (who even knew that was a thing? I sure didn't), but I think I figured it out. I love comments, so feel free to drop me a line!
Thanks
Friday, May 13, 2016
Losing Nemo
I was going to wait a few weeks to post this, but I figured I might as well just do it now. I thought about just keeping it private for only Vance and me to read,
but feel I owe an explanation and a closing chapter to those who have
been following us through our journey. This post is very personal to me, and I honestly can't believe I've been so open in sharing our battle with infertility these past few years. I think I have been so open for a few reasons:
• I want to remember this story accurately and be able to reflect on it someday
• I don't want to have to answer as many questions in person
• I want to give those who care and are interested the opportunity to know what's going on
• I want to shed some light and help make aware the taboo topic of infertility, as told from my perspective
• I would like to be able to help someone out if they ever have any questions as they go through a similar experience. I want whoever she may be to know that she is not alone in the way she is feeling or the things she is going through.
So here we go....
We named our embryo Nemo because just like in the movie Finding Nemo, our little Nemo was the last and only surviving egg. When we went in for our transfer, our doctor broke the bad new to us that the other embryo didn't make it to a day 5 blastocyst, so we only had one little guy (our Nemo) to transfer. If you remember the beginning of the movie, a barracuda comes through and attacks Nemo's mom and his 400 brothers and sisters who haven't yet hatched from their eggs. After the attack, Nemo is the only egg left.
It is with a very heavy heart that I say that our Nemo didn't make it.
Vance went out of town on Thursday night for a race he was pacing in the Grand Canyon. I had women from the ward helping me out with my shots, but I felt uneasy all weekend. By Saturday evening I was so nervous, and had very light pink spotting. My cramps were getting worse, but I kept trying to brush it off, telling myself this was probably normal for an IVF patient in the early stages pregnancy (even though I knew it wasn't).
I went to hop in the shower when I noticed several drops of blood, and completely lost it. Aunt Flo had arrived. I collapsed to the ground and felt my heart rip out of my chest. To say I was sobbing would be an understatement. I wailed uncontrollably like I've never wailed before. I kept screaming "No!" over and over again as I rocked myself in the fetal position. I felt indescribable grief and loss. I eventually got up and sobbed through my entire shower and then cried myself to sleep. I wished more than anything that Vance was there to be with me.
Vance made it home from his trip at like 1am and just cuddled me, knowing the bad news. We headed to the doctors office at 7am on Mother's Day. When the nurses called me back to get my blood drawn, I reluctantly got up, knowing this was my final step to an unsuccessful and heartbreaking round of IVF. Vance kept his hopes up, saying that it could just be my body being confused and that a baby really was actually forming in there. But I know my body, and I definitely know what a period feels like. I knew I had to get my final closure though, and in the meantime tried to humor myself that maybe I really was reading the signs all wrong. It's not over until the fat lady sings, right? But I knew that this (metaphorical) fat lady was getting ready to sing one hell of a song.
As the nurse was prepping my arm and my veins for the blood draw, I asked "So, if I'm spotting and cramping today that probably isn't a good sign, huh?" She looked at me with pity on her face and shook her head. That is when the tears just poured out like a waterfall. Fat, hot tears burned down my face, filling my chest with a pool full of salt water. Vance squeezed my other hand as she drew my blood, and I just sat in the chair silently weeping. I was so grateful that Vance made it home in time to be with me when I needed him. I can't imagine if I would have had to go through that alone.
"Have a nice day," the 2nd nurse in the room that watched me cry said as we left the office. Ha! Gee, thanks lady.
We made it back to the car and I wailed hysterically all over again. I was shaking and uncontrollable. This was the heaviest grief and by far the worst day of infertility I had been through yet. After all that we had been through, after all of the good signs, and after the long process of finally getting accepted into the Miracle Fund and the amazing donors who made it possible, how could this really be the answer? And the cruel irony of it all going down on Mother's Day was too much for my heart to handle. Getting up early to drive to SLC to take THE pregnancy test that I knew was negative was one very hard pill to swallow.
We received a phone call a few hours later, and sure enough I was right. Negative. And with no surviving embryos, IVF in the near future is not looking likely for us. The wet and stormy weather that day matched my emotions so perfectly.
Immediately after the phone call ended, I wept yet again, this time Vance crying with me. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loves me so much. He told me that I will always be enough for him, and that he couldn't imagine finding anyone else more perfect for him than me. He told me that I was brave, and that he was so proud of me. Lastly, he told me that going through IVF made him feel even closer to me, and that he was grateful for the even tighter bond that going through IVF together gave us. We hugged and cried, and never had I felt so loved and so heartbroken in the same moment as I did right then.
I received lots of sweet messages and texts that morning and throughout the day from my sisters and brother, parents, family and friends wishing me a happy Mother's Day and telling me how much they loved me and were rooting for Nemo. None of them knew the bad news, but it meant so much to me that so many people were thinking of me on what had I hoped would be the happiest Mother's Day ever. I had a couple more meltdowns on Sunday, and by the end of the day I was completely exhausted and emotionally drained.
I saw this video floating around social media, and bawled through the whole thing. I have put up a tough fight for the title of mother, and will continue to do so again once these very fresh wounds start to heal. 7–8 rounds of clomid and femara, 1 hysterosalpingography, 1 sonosalpingogram, 4 IUIs, 1 (adoption) home study, countless blood tests, shots, and transvaginal ultrasounds, 1 taxing round of IVF, and almost 5 years later, we are still left empty handed and praying for the chance to one day become parents.
Infertility is HARD. If you have a been blessed with children, give them a squeeze and give thanks to your Heavenly Father that He placed them into your loving arms. Children, and the ability to create life truly are miracles. I don't doubt that raising a family is difficult, and that sometimes...if not most of the time...your children drive you crazy. Nonetheless, they are still miracles.
Every morning since Mother's Day has been difficult. I wake up feeling sad, broken, and not wanting to get out of bed. I hate my body and I hate that it keeps letting me down. I feel like I've failed myself and that I've let my husband down. I usually shake off the sadness and am fine throughout the day, but mornings and nights are when the grief really hits. Getting rid of my dreadful shots and removing our medical station from our counter was actually really hard for me to do. Even though I hated those shots, I loved thinking about what they were doing to help me reach my family, and I was really praying I would have to take them for another 6 weeks. It pained me to let it all go. It meant saying goodbye to Nemo, and goodbye to the hope that going through IVF brought me.
We don't know yet what our next step will be, and we aren't planning anything drastic in the near future. We need another break from all of the madness. We do plan to meet with our doctor in the next few weeks to learn more about what he found out about our unexplained infertility, but in the meantime we just want to re-coop and enjoy our summer.
Thanks everyone for your support and prayers. We feel so lucky to have been able to experience IVF. I really thought that with as many prayers and positive vibes we had sent our way, we would be blessed in the way we wanted to be blessed this time around. We wanted more than anything to know what tiny little Nemo would look like and who he or she would become, but were not granted that wish. So it looks like this little Anni is going to have to continue to wait.
• I want to remember this story accurately and be able to reflect on it someday
• I don't want to have to answer as many questions in person
• I want to give those who care and are interested the opportunity to know what's going on
• I want to shed some light and help make aware the taboo topic of infertility, as told from my perspective
• I would like to be able to help someone out if they ever have any questions as they go through a similar experience. I want whoever she may be to know that she is not alone in the way she is feeling or the things she is going through.
So here we go....
We named our embryo Nemo because just like in the movie Finding Nemo, our little Nemo was the last and only surviving egg. When we went in for our transfer, our doctor broke the bad new to us that the other embryo didn't make it to a day 5 blastocyst, so we only had one little guy (our Nemo) to transfer. If you remember the beginning of the movie, a barracuda comes through and attacks Nemo's mom and his 400 brothers and sisters who haven't yet hatched from their eggs. After the attack, Nemo is the only egg left.
It is with a very heavy heart that I say that our Nemo didn't make it.
Vance went out of town on Thursday night for a race he was pacing in the Grand Canyon. I had women from the ward helping me out with my shots, but I felt uneasy all weekend. By Saturday evening I was so nervous, and had very light pink spotting. My cramps were getting worse, but I kept trying to brush it off, telling myself this was probably normal for an IVF patient in the early stages pregnancy (even though I knew it wasn't).
I went to hop in the shower when I noticed several drops of blood, and completely lost it. Aunt Flo had arrived. I collapsed to the ground and felt my heart rip out of my chest. To say I was sobbing would be an understatement. I wailed uncontrollably like I've never wailed before. I kept screaming "No!" over and over again as I rocked myself in the fetal position. I felt indescribable grief and loss. I eventually got up and sobbed through my entire shower and then cried myself to sleep. I wished more than anything that Vance was there to be with me.
Vance made it home from his trip at like 1am and just cuddled me, knowing the bad news. We headed to the doctors office at 7am on Mother's Day. When the nurses called me back to get my blood drawn, I reluctantly got up, knowing this was my final step to an unsuccessful and heartbreaking round of IVF. Vance kept his hopes up, saying that it could just be my body being confused and that a baby really was actually forming in there. But I know my body, and I definitely know what a period feels like. I knew I had to get my final closure though, and in the meantime tried to humor myself that maybe I really was reading the signs all wrong. It's not over until the fat lady sings, right? But I knew that this (metaphorical) fat lady was getting ready to sing one hell of a song.
As the nurse was prepping my arm and my veins for the blood draw, I asked "So, if I'm spotting and cramping today that probably isn't a good sign, huh?" She looked at me with pity on her face and shook her head. That is when the tears just poured out like a waterfall. Fat, hot tears burned down my face, filling my chest with a pool full of salt water. Vance squeezed my other hand as she drew my blood, and I just sat in the chair silently weeping. I was so grateful that Vance made it home in time to be with me when I needed him. I can't imagine if I would have had to go through that alone.
"Have a nice day," the 2nd nurse in the room that watched me cry said as we left the office. Ha! Gee, thanks lady.
We made it back to the car and I wailed hysterically all over again. I was shaking and uncontrollable. This was the heaviest grief and by far the worst day of infertility I had been through yet. After all that we had been through, after all of the good signs, and after the long process of finally getting accepted into the Miracle Fund and the amazing donors who made it possible, how could this really be the answer? And the cruel irony of it all going down on Mother's Day was too much for my heart to handle. Getting up early to drive to SLC to take THE pregnancy test that I knew was negative was one very hard pill to swallow.
We received a phone call a few hours later, and sure enough I was right. Negative. And with no surviving embryos, IVF in the near future is not looking likely for us. The wet and stormy weather that day matched my emotions so perfectly.
Immediately after the phone call ended, I wept yet again, this time Vance crying with me. He hugged me, kissed me, and told me that he loves me so much. He told me that I will always be enough for him, and that he couldn't imagine finding anyone else more perfect for him than me. He told me that I was brave, and that he was so proud of me. Lastly, he told me that going through IVF made him feel even closer to me, and that he was grateful for the even tighter bond that going through IVF together gave us. We hugged and cried, and never had I felt so loved and so heartbroken in the same moment as I did right then.
I received lots of sweet messages and texts that morning and throughout the day from my sisters and brother, parents, family and friends wishing me a happy Mother's Day and telling me how much they loved me and were rooting for Nemo. None of them knew the bad news, but it meant so much to me that so many people were thinking of me on what had I hoped would be the happiest Mother's Day ever. I had a couple more meltdowns on Sunday, and by the end of the day I was completely exhausted and emotionally drained.
I saw this video floating around social media, and bawled through the whole thing. I have put up a tough fight for the title of mother, and will continue to do so again once these very fresh wounds start to heal. 7–8 rounds of clomid and femara, 1 hysterosalpingography, 1 sonosalpingogram, 4 IUIs, 1 (adoption) home study, countless blood tests, shots, and transvaginal ultrasounds, 1 taxing round of IVF, and almost 5 years later, we are still left empty handed and praying for the chance to one day become parents.
Infertility is HARD. If you have a been blessed with children, give them a squeeze and give thanks to your Heavenly Father that He placed them into your loving arms. Children, and the ability to create life truly are miracles. I don't doubt that raising a family is difficult, and that sometimes...if not most of the time...your children drive you crazy. Nonetheless, they are still miracles.
Every morning since Mother's Day has been difficult. I wake up feeling sad, broken, and not wanting to get out of bed. I hate my body and I hate that it keeps letting me down. I feel like I've failed myself and that I've let my husband down. I usually shake off the sadness and am fine throughout the day, but mornings and nights are when the grief really hits. Getting rid of my dreadful shots and removing our medical station from our counter was actually really hard for me to do. Even though I hated those shots, I loved thinking about what they were doing to help me reach my family, and I was really praying I would have to take them for another 6 weeks. It pained me to let it all go. It meant saying goodbye to Nemo, and goodbye to the hope that going through IVF brought me.
We don't know yet what our next step will be, and we aren't planning anything drastic in the near future. We need another break from all of the madness. We do plan to meet with our doctor in the next few weeks to learn more about what he found out about our unexplained infertility, but in the meantime we just want to re-coop and enjoy our summer.
Thanks everyone for your support and prayers. We feel so lucky to have been able to experience IVF. I really thought that with as many prayers and positive vibes we had sent our way, we would be blessed in the way we wanted to be blessed this time around. We wanted more than anything to know what tiny little Nemo would look like and who he or she would become, but were not granted that wish. So it looks like this little Anni is going to have to continue to wait.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Anni Waits
IVF is a physical and emotional roller coaster.
The first 2 weeks of the ride is filled with a lot of ups and a lot of excitement. You are constantly seeing nurses and getting updates on how your body is doing and how well you are responding to medications. Every change to your body is exciting because it means the medications are working and that you are one step closer to reaching your ultimate goal of parenthood. Everything moves so fast paced you don't even really have time to worry or think that it might not work out. I don't know about other women going through this part of the IVF process, but for me during the first two weeks, I felt really confident and full of hope.
However, the last 2 weeks of the ride are a whole different story....
After your embryo transfer, you are left in a 2 week waiting game with no doctor visits and no updates on what is happening inside of your body. You have no nurses encouraging you and telling you that everything is going to work out, and no doctors saying that everything looks great. You feel somewhat abandoned, and suddenly every worry and doubt you could possibly have is amplified to the extreme. Confidence is replaced with skepticism. Excitement is replaced with fear. Peace is replaced with anxiety. Hope is replaced with doubt. Every period symptom cramp and tiny little feeling inside your body feels like a negative sign. You know you are supposed to think positive thoughts, but instead you are trapped in some weird negative limbo, wondering how you will react when you finally do get one of two answers. You almost feel like the game is over before you even really know for sure if it is.
I recently re-acquainted myself with an old song by the incredible Ben Folds. I used to listen to Ben on the regular, but it has probably been a few years since I've pulled him up on my iPod. I was skimming through my iPod a few weeks ago when I was just starting the IVF journey and gasped when I remembered one of his songs I nearly forgot about. This song has always been a favorite of mine, because it's a song about me. However, as I listened to this song for the first time in a few years, it took on a whole new meaning to me. It applies so perfectly to not only my 2 week wait, but the nearly 5 year wait of infertility I have gone through. The fact that the song is about Anni(e) makes it too perfect and sentimental not to share. The song is called Annie Waits.
(Note: For those who don't know, Anni (without an E), has been my nickname since I was kid. Family and close friends call me Anni.)
The true meaning of this song in a nutshell is about a girl named Annie who waits and waits for the guy she's in love with who will never fully commit to her, yet she keeps justifying why he's a jerk who is always disappointing her... until one day she's finally had enough and breaks free from him. All the while the narrator of the song is in love with Annie and waits and waits for her, but she never chooses him. It's a sad song :(
I've obviously re-interpreted the song's meaning to this:
Anni (without an E) has been waiting for years and years to have a child, yet despite all of her efforts she has never been able to conceive. In just a few days time she is going to receive a call from a fertility nurse that could possibly change her life and make her the happiest woman in the world. However, a large part of her fears that it will be the same heartbreaking news she's had for the past 5 years. Her biological clock is ticking as she keeps getting older, yet she keeps trying and pushing forward. Shadows pass her by and out of sight as families around her continue to grow and hers never does. She and her husband have been dreaming of their future with a small family for years, but every time their dreams are crushed she tends to think that maybe they would be better off alone; just the 2 of them. She is getting so emotionally and physically worn down from trying to chase after her maternal dreams, and sometimes feels like she is ready to throw in the towel. However, Anni waits for the last time when she is finally able to receive the medical treatment of IVF she's been desiring. After a torturous 2 week wait and an even more torturous 5 year wait, it's finally her turn.
Let's all pray that Anni really does wait for the last time. C'mon Nemo!
The first 2 weeks of the ride is filled with a lot of ups and a lot of excitement. You are constantly seeing nurses and getting updates on how your body is doing and how well you are responding to medications. Every change to your body is exciting because it means the medications are working and that you are one step closer to reaching your ultimate goal of parenthood. Everything moves so fast paced you don't even really have time to worry or think that it might not work out. I don't know about other women going through this part of the IVF process, but for me during the first two weeks, I felt really confident and full of hope.
However, the last 2 weeks of the ride are a whole different story....
After your embryo transfer, you are left in a 2 week waiting game with no doctor visits and no updates on what is happening inside of your body. You have no nurses encouraging you and telling you that everything is going to work out, and no doctors saying that everything looks great. You feel somewhat abandoned, and suddenly every worry and doubt you could possibly have is amplified to the extreme. Confidence is replaced with skepticism. Excitement is replaced with fear. Peace is replaced with anxiety. Hope is replaced with doubt. Every period symptom cramp and tiny little feeling inside your body feels like a negative sign. You know you are supposed to think positive thoughts, but instead you are trapped in some weird negative limbo, wondering how you will react when you finally do get one of two answers. You almost feel like the game is over before you even really know for sure if it is.
I recently re-acquainted myself with an old song by the incredible Ben Folds. I used to listen to Ben on the regular, but it has probably been a few years since I've pulled him up on my iPod. I was skimming through my iPod a few weeks ago when I was just starting the IVF journey and gasped when I remembered one of his songs I nearly forgot about. This song has always been a favorite of mine, because it's a song about me. However, as I listened to this song for the first time in a few years, it took on a whole new meaning to me. It applies so perfectly to not only my 2 week wait, but the nearly 5 year wait of infertility I have gone through. The fact that the song is about Anni(e) makes it too perfect and sentimental not to share. The song is called Annie Waits.
(Note: For those who don't know, Anni (without an E), has been my nickname since I was kid. Family and close friends call me Anni.)
Press play, it's worth a listen :)
The true meaning of this song in a nutshell is about a girl named Annie who waits and waits for the guy she's in love with who will never fully commit to her, yet she keeps justifying why he's a jerk who is always disappointing her... until one day she's finally had enough and breaks free from him. All the while the narrator of the song is in love with Annie and waits and waits for her, but she never chooses him. It's a sad song :(
I've obviously re-interpreted the song's meaning to this:
Anni (without an E) has been waiting for years and years to have a child, yet despite all of her efforts she has never been able to conceive. In just a few days time she is going to receive a call from a fertility nurse that could possibly change her life and make her the happiest woman in the world. However, a large part of her fears that it will be the same heartbreaking news she's had for the past 5 years. Her biological clock is ticking as she keeps getting older, yet she keeps trying and pushing forward. Shadows pass her by and out of sight as families around her continue to grow and hers never does. She and her husband have been dreaming of their future with a small family for years, but every time their dreams are crushed she tends to think that maybe they would be better off alone; just the 2 of them. She is getting so emotionally and physically worn down from trying to chase after her maternal dreams, and sometimes feels like she is ready to throw in the towel. However, Anni waits for the last time when she is finally able to receive the medical treatment of IVF she's been desiring. After a torturous 2 week wait and an even more torturous 5 year wait, it's finally her turn.
Let's all pray that Anni really does wait for the last time. C'mon Nemo!
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Worth a Shot
Still going strong with progesterone shots! These shots help thicken my uterine lining. Progesterone is necessary for implantation of the fertilized egg in the uterus and for maintaining pregnancy.
Our first progesterone shot was on Thursday, April 21st...same day as the egg retrieval. I was scared to death of making it to this point in IVF with these shots, because the needle is so fat and long. We all know how well I do with needles. Plus, I was panicked having Vance be the one to give me the shots, because....well....he'd never given me a shot with a big ass needle before. That first night of the shot hurt like hell. The actual injection wasn't too bad, but about 10 minutes later, my entire left backside and into my leg started tingling/burning and aching. Between my procedure earlier that day, and my first shot, I could barely move and when I did walk around, I moved like a little old lady.
My second night progesterone shot was even worse. We just got back from the temple, and I had prayed in the temple that I would have the strength to endure these shots that scared me and were causing me pain. After about 5 minutes of me trying to procrastinate the inevitable, Vance finally gave me the shot on my right side. Even with the music we play to keep me calm, and the baby chick decor I look at to make me smile, I could feel the needle going in and it really freaked me out. Almost immediately after, I felt the burn and my right side growing achy. Now both sides of my buttocks were extremely tender.
I laid down on our bed and had a complete meltdown. I couldn't stop sobbing. I could barely move because both sides of my body were so achy and sore, and I couldn't imagine that 48 hours would allow either side to heal soon enough before it was time to give myself a shot again in the same area all over again. And to do/feel this way every day for 2 months! I was being a baby; I knew I was being ridiculous. Many strong and brave women have gone through this, so I should be able to as well. I could do the tummy shots, I could do the vaginal ultrasounds, I could do the egg retrieval, I could do the uncomfortable embryo transfer, I could deal with the tender breasts and the extreme bloating, and I could even handle the constant blood draws and the IV, but these progesterone shots were proving to be the only hurdle I felt like I couldn't and didn't want to handle. I think the entire process of IVF caught up with me that night as I hysterically bawled in my bed. Vance was so sweet and just cuddled me as I cried.
(Note: Can I just say what an amazing husband and support Vance has been through this whole thing? He is so good at giving me my shots, is patient in waiting for me to calm my nerves before he injects mes, and rubs my tender areas afterwards. He thought that giving me shots would freak him out too, but he says that he has been strong because he knows he has to be. I love him so much and don't know what I would do without him.)
Saturday night (April 23) was my 3rd night of these dreadful shots, and my first shot back on the original side. Just as I had suspected, 48 hours later my left side was still sore – and just in time for a long needle full of serum to work its way back into my tender muscles! After a long freak out of not wanting to do it, I finally braved it up long enough for Vance to give me my shot. I laid down and waited for the stinging/aching to kick in, which it did.
Sleeping those first few nights was not easy. I would turn to one side and feel pain, so I would move to the other side, and feel more pain. There was no getting comfortable.
We had our embryo transfer the following Tuesday (April 26) and after it was over, I asked the nurses if it was normal to be in as much pain from the shots as I was in. I knew I would feel a little bit sore and irritated, but this was worse than I had expected. The pain was covering a large majority of my lower back and backside area, and I could barely sit. They asked to see where Vance had been poking me. Vance had been lining the shots up with the top of my (ahem, butt crack), and going out to the side and a little bit above. He had been following where a video we watched said to inject. The nurses said he should actually be going up on my love handle area, which is higher up and out to the side a bit more. They drew circles on my body so that he could see his target area that night.
Ever since Vance has switched injections to the love handle region, the pain has reduced drastically and I can sit and sleep again! It's amazing what a difference I have felt. I am so glad I asked the nurses about this issue instead of just accepting that how I was feeling was probably normal, because it wasn't. The shots Vance gave me the first few days still worked into my system effectively, but now I don't have to be in so much pain afterwards.
I still hate the shots, but ever since we had our embryo transfer, I've been able to handle them. They printed us out a picture of our sweet little day 5 embryo (blastocyst), and also an ultrasound picture of where the embryo landed in my uterus. I stare at those pictures (along with the baby chicks and the music) while Vance gives me my shots, to remind myself of why I am doing this.
Our potential little Nemo is worth a shot. In fact, he/she is worth hundreds of shots! I'll do it today, I'll do it again tomorrow, and I'll do it for years to come if I have to.
Our first progesterone shot was on Thursday, April 21st...same day as the egg retrieval. I was scared to death of making it to this point in IVF with these shots, because the needle is so fat and long. We all know how well I do with needles. Plus, I was panicked having Vance be the one to give me the shots, because....well....he'd never given me a shot with a big ass needle before. That first night of the shot hurt like hell. The actual injection wasn't too bad, but about 10 minutes later, my entire left backside and into my leg started tingling/burning and aching. Between my procedure earlier that day, and my first shot, I could barely move and when I did walk around, I moved like a little old lady.
My second night progesterone shot was even worse. We just got back from the temple, and I had prayed in the temple that I would have the strength to endure these shots that scared me and were causing me pain. After about 5 minutes of me trying to procrastinate the inevitable, Vance finally gave me the shot on my right side. Even with the music we play to keep me calm, and the baby chick decor I look at to make me smile, I could feel the needle going in and it really freaked me out. Almost immediately after, I felt the burn and my right side growing achy. Now both sides of my buttocks were extremely tender.
I laid down on our bed and had a complete meltdown. I couldn't stop sobbing. I could barely move because both sides of my body were so achy and sore, and I couldn't imagine that 48 hours would allow either side to heal soon enough before it was time to give myself a shot again in the same area all over again. And to do/feel this way every day for 2 months! I was being a baby; I knew I was being ridiculous. Many strong and brave women have gone through this, so I should be able to as well. I could do the tummy shots, I could do the vaginal ultrasounds, I could do the egg retrieval, I could do the uncomfortable embryo transfer, I could deal with the tender breasts and the extreme bloating, and I could even handle the constant blood draws and the IV, but these progesterone shots were proving to be the only hurdle I felt like I couldn't and didn't want to handle. I think the entire process of IVF caught up with me that night as I hysterically bawled in my bed. Vance was so sweet and just cuddled me as I cried.
(Note: Can I just say what an amazing husband and support Vance has been through this whole thing? He is so good at giving me my shots, is patient in waiting for me to calm my nerves before he injects mes, and rubs my tender areas afterwards. He thought that giving me shots would freak him out too, but he says that he has been strong because he knows he has to be. I love him so much and don't know what I would do without him.)
Saturday night (April 23) was my 3rd night of these dreadful shots, and my first shot back on the original side. Just as I had suspected, 48 hours later my left side was still sore – and just in time for a long needle full of serum to work its way back into my tender muscles! After a long freak out of not wanting to do it, I finally braved it up long enough for Vance to give me my shot. I laid down and waited for the stinging/aching to kick in, which it did.
Sleeping those first few nights was not easy. I would turn to one side and feel pain, so I would move to the other side, and feel more pain. There was no getting comfortable.
We had our embryo transfer the following Tuesday (April 26) and after it was over, I asked the nurses if it was normal to be in as much pain from the shots as I was in. I knew I would feel a little bit sore and irritated, but this was worse than I had expected. The pain was covering a large majority of my lower back and backside area, and I could barely sit. They asked to see where Vance had been poking me. Vance had been lining the shots up with the top of my (ahem, butt crack), and going out to the side and a little bit above. He had been following where a video we watched said to inject. The nurses said he should actually be going up on my love handle area, which is higher up and out to the side a bit more. They drew circles on my body so that he could see his target area that night.
Ever since Vance has switched injections to the love handle region, the pain has reduced drastically and I can sit and sleep again! It's amazing what a difference I have felt. I am so glad I asked the nurses about this issue instead of just accepting that how I was feeling was probably normal, because it wasn't. The shots Vance gave me the first few days still worked into my system effectively, but now I don't have to be in so much pain afterwards.
I still hate the shots, but ever since we had our embryo transfer, I've been able to handle them. They printed us out a picture of our sweet little day 5 embryo (blastocyst), and also an ultrasound picture of where the embryo landed in my uterus. I stare at those pictures (along with the baby chicks and the music) while Vance gives me my shots, to remind myself of why I am doing this.
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| My happy place as I'm getting poked :) |
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| Red circle indicates where the embryo landed |
Our potential little Nemo is worth a shot. In fact, he/she is worth hundreds of shots! I'll do it today, I'll do it again tomorrow, and I'll do it for years to come if I have to.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Nemo
I will eventually write a more lengthy post about our Tuesday transfer, but for now I will just say this:
Transfer went well and we got to meet our microscopic blastocyst (a day 5 embryo) Tuesday morning. It was really special. We named our little embryo we transferred Nemo.
Due to the emotional roller coaster I've been on and the IVF process throwing some unexpected curve balls at us, I'm not wanting to go into detail of everything just yet.
Because of IVF, our doctor did find some leads to our "unexplained" infertility that he would like to go over with us around the same time we find out if Nemo accepted our invitation to become a human or not. We pray that we are a few weeks short of a miracle, and that our doctor found some helpful answers for us as we try to conceive again in the future.
When we do find out, we will let our immediate families know. However, we will not be posting anything or announcing one way or another (good news or bad), until probably sometime in June or early July. We will either need to grieve and move on alone, or celebrate and pray for a healthy pregnancy before we are ready to announce to the world.
We appreciate everyone's prayers for us, and definitely feel them. Now, pray for Nemo too!
Transfer went well and we got to meet our microscopic blastocyst (a day 5 embryo) Tuesday morning. It was really special. We named our little embryo we transferred Nemo.
Due to the emotional roller coaster I've been on and the IVF process throwing some unexpected curve balls at us, I'm not wanting to go into detail of everything just yet.
Because of IVF, our doctor did find some leads to our "unexplained" infertility that he would like to go over with us around the same time we find out if Nemo accepted our invitation to become a human or not. We pray that we are a few weeks short of a miracle, and that our doctor found some helpful answers for us as we try to conceive again in the future.
When we do find out, we will let our immediate families know. However, we will not be posting anything or announcing one way or another (good news or bad), until probably sometime in June or early July. We will either need to grieve and move on alone, or celebrate and pray for a healthy pregnancy before we are ready to announce to the world.
We appreciate everyone's prayers for us, and definitely feel them. Now, pray for Nemo too!
Sunday, April 24, 2016
May the Odds be Ever in Our Favor
Vance and I went to the temple Friday night to get some peace of mind and clarity. IVF has been very intense. We had already (tentatively) decided we would put 2 fertilized eggs in this round and freeze the remaining embryos for a later round, but went to pray that the fertilization process would go well.
We received a phone call on Saturday morning with news on the status of our eggs. News was that 2 of our 7 fertilized. We have 2 healthy embryos that will be ready for transfer on Tuesday.
Only having 2 embryos was obviously not the news I wanted to hear. I was really praying for 4+, but hoping for at least 3 so that we could put 2 in this round and freeze one for our next child. But the more we thought about it, we are so grateful and excited that 2 eggs DID take. We've been blessed with 2 healthy and fertilized embryos and as strange as it sounds, I already love them so much. They are fighters that made it this far. I can't help but feel like they made it because they want to be a part of our family.
When I told Vance the news, his face lit up. He was so excited that any fertilized. He is so right. None of my eggs could have fertilized and our journey would be over. We believe in miracles!
Now to decide....one embryo for this transfer, or two???? Only having 2 embryos kind of changes our game plan. We want the BEST possible outcome to come of this. We are beyond desirous of an embryo planting into my uterine lining, sticking, and growing into a sweet little baby Brown.
Please keep the prayers coming. As a friend of mine says, I'll be saying "sticky" prayers! This round of IVF is kind of our only shot. With only 2 embryos and the possibility that we won't be freezing any, we don't know if and when we will ever be able to do IVF again. To do IVF again, we would have to start from scratch and pay the entire amount of $15,000+. Frozen rounds of IVF (which sadly, we won't have unless we only use one embryo and freeze the other) are much cheaper than having to completely re-stimulate my body with shots and drugs to create good eggs, constantly test my blood, conduct frequent ultrasounds, and pay for the egg retrieval with anesthesia. I don't know if we will ever get that opportunity again.
The Miracle Fund is really the only reason IVF has been possible for us, and the only way I can think to thank or repay them for helping is out is by having a miracle baby. Who believes in miracles? I know I do!
May the odds be ever in our favor.
We received a phone call on Saturday morning with news on the status of our eggs. News was that 2 of our 7 fertilized. We have 2 healthy embryos that will be ready for transfer on Tuesday.
Only having 2 embryos was obviously not the news I wanted to hear. I was really praying for 4+, but hoping for at least 3 so that we could put 2 in this round and freeze one for our next child. But the more we thought about it, we are so grateful and excited that 2 eggs DID take. We've been blessed with 2 healthy and fertilized embryos and as strange as it sounds, I already love them so much. They are fighters that made it this far. I can't help but feel like they made it because they want to be a part of our family.
When I told Vance the news, his face lit up. He was so excited that any fertilized. He is so right. None of my eggs could have fertilized and our journey would be over. We believe in miracles!
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| Cutest little embryo illustration ever! |
Now to decide....one embryo for this transfer, or two???? Only having 2 embryos kind of changes our game plan. We want the BEST possible outcome to come of this. We are beyond desirous of an embryo planting into my uterine lining, sticking, and growing into a sweet little baby Brown.
Please keep the prayers coming. As a friend of mine says, I'll be saying "sticky" prayers! This round of IVF is kind of our only shot. With only 2 embryos and the possibility that we won't be freezing any, we don't know if and when we will ever be able to do IVF again. To do IVF again, we would have to start from scratch and pay the entire amount of $15,000+. Frozen rounds of IVF (which sadly, we won't have unless we only use one embryo and freeze the other) are much cheaper than having to completely re-stimulate my body with shots and drugs to create good eggs, constantly test my blood, conduct frequent ultrasounds, and pay for the egg retrieval with anesthesia. I don't know if we will ever get that opportunity again.
The Miracle Fund is really the only reason IVF has been possible for us, and the only way I can think to thank or repay them for helping is out is by having a miracle baby. Who believes in miracles? I know I do!
May the odds be ever in our favor.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Lucky Number 7
Thursday, April 21
I woke up at like 2:30 in the morning in a panic. I woke to the sound our water softener doing it's monthly clean cycle, but thought it was the sound of Vance showering. If he was showering, that meant I had slept in, and I was so paranoid about being late to our very important appointment. I whacked my hand across where he was sleeping to feel if he was gone, and alas....slapped him awake. Luckily, he fell right back asleep. Me? I lay awake until after 5am.
When it was actually time to wake up, my ovaries seriously felt like they were going to explode! I was so nervous that I was already ovulating and that it would mess up my egg collection (typical worry wart). As we were driving to SLC, the early morning radio hosts we were listening to were talking about how they got new microphones that made their voices sound sexy. One of the male radio hosts said "Our voices are so sexy, we are making ovaries explode all across the valley!" Vance and I just looked at each other and laughed at the crazy coincidence of the radio hosts comment, because quite literally, mine were.
As we were pulling into the parking lot, I played "Let's Go" by Matt and Kim because it was time to go and get these eggs out!
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| Let's go! |
I was so excited to find out that the doctor performing the procedure was going to be the head of the reproductive department. I had heard such wonderful things about him! I met him after the surgery, and was kinda starstruck. He's a very well known doctor in the infertility world, and I couldn't believe I was being treated by the head honcho.
The nurses showed me my charts and said it was likely that they would retrieve anywhere from 6–14 mature eggs. I was really praying for double digits! Long story short, I met with nurses and the anesthesiologist to go everything before I was whisked away to the procedure room. Within seconds of the mask going over my mouth and nose, I was out! 40ish minute later I was wheeled back over to another room to slowly wake up. I hardly believed I had really just had surgery. Vance came in shortly after to be with me. I was sooooooo tired! Vance tried to be sneaky and captured a loopy video of me.
I don't know why the video is so blurry :( and it doesn't play on my phone.
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| Don't I look lovely?! (sarcasm) |
The doctor who performed my procedure told me that they got 7 eggs, and sounded really excited about it. I was a bit disappointed with the news because I was really hoping for more so that we could have a greater chance of more fertilized embryos to use for future IVF rounds. But 7 is still an okay number, and I have to remind myself that it's about egg quality and not quantity. We will find out on Saturday how the eggs are doing and when we can have our embryo transfer.
I was wheeled to the parking lot, and we were on our way home. I was so sore and tired I could barely walk up the stairs to our condo, and could barely hoist myself up on the bed. I slept for a few hours. When I woke up, it was hard to move. My ovary area was very sore and swollen, and my hand was really sore where the IV had been placed. And my boobs were sore! I went to the bathroom and found that I had been bleeding for a little bit. I wish they would have told me to wear a pad after retrieval so that I didn't ruin my clothes. (TMI for all of this....sorry!)
We started progesterone shots in the evening. I cried and had a mini panic attack because the needle is so thick and long, and I really didn't want Vance giving it to me. I thought we had a break from shots for a few days, and was sad that we were starting up again earlier than I expected.
Vance did great! It didn't hurt going in, but my hip/butt seriously hurt the rest of the night (and still hurts today.) If all goes well, we will be taking these shots for 2 months, which I absolutely hate thinking about. However, as much as I hate these shots and how painful they are, I really hope we do have to take them the entire 2 months because then that means I am pregnant! If I don't become pregnant, we will stop taking the shots.
Please keep praying for us and for a successful count of embryos.
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Day 9 - Day 10
Day 9
Tuesday, April 19
I drove to SLC for an early morning ultrasound and blood draw. Though the ultrasounds are starting to feel extra unpleasant due to my bulging ovaries, it has been fun to watch and see what is going on inside of my body. My ovaries look more and more like cobwebs at every visit. They are very active and stimulated, so I am really praying for a successful egg retrieval with LOTS of healthy eggs.
The nurses said it was probably looking like I could take my last tummy shots and start my trigger shot that evening (to tell my body when to ovulate). Yay! After my blood test was verified, I received a phone call later that day with exact times to take my last stomach injections and trigger shot. Egg retrieval has been scheduled for early Thursday morning!
We took my last dosage of Menapur and Gonal-F at 6:15. After taking these and eating dinner, I was BLOATED. I could barely breathe and kept cursing myself for eating too much food. I was so bloated that I had to take off my pants and put on some stretchy pants. Good news I suppose, as it just means my ovaries are growing and producing Grade A eggs for our future children :)
Two hours later at exactly 8:15 we took Pregnyl (trigger shot), that goes in the hip. This needle has been making me nervous because it is longer and fatter than the others we have taken, so I called a nurse in our ward to come do this one for us. I knew that if it was up to Vance and me, we might psyche ourselves out and not get the injection in at the exact time we were supposed to. Therefore, I was so grateful to find an experienced nurse be willing to come to our house and help us out. She showed Vance how to do it properly, since he will be giving me very similar shots in the hip with large needles for the Progesterone that I need to start next week.
(Note: 36 hours after the trigger shot is taken, I will ovulate. Hence the 7:45am appointment to collect eggs on Thursday).
After this shot was over I felt like I could relax, knowing that we followed all of the steps correctly and that I didn't have to take any shots the following day. I took all my supplements early (prenatals, fish oil, DHEA, and Co-Q10----all prescribed by my doctor to help with the IVF conception), washed up for bed, and treated myself to starting a new show on Netflix (One Tree Hill....not new but new to me. I just finished Hart of Dixie and decided that OTH will be my next new girly show).
By 10:00, I was exhausted and passed out on the bed.
Day 10
Wednesday, April 20
No shots today, wahoo! Just feeling very bloated and am super excited for tomorrow morning.
Today I am just supposed to drink lots and lots of water (and Gatorade too if I want). I start doxycycline with dinner tonight, which is an antibiotic to help prevent infection. Vance has been taking this for the past week to help his little swimmers be as clean and pure as possible. They will collect his last sample of swimmers tomorrow so that we have fresh eggs and fresh sperm ready to go!
I can't eat or drink anything after midnight tonight, but that shouldn't be an issue since I don't eat past 8:00 anyway. Just hope I don't forget and start drinking water tomorrow morning. I am so excited for the egg retrieval. I find this whole IVF process so fascinating.
Here is a little bit about the egg retrieval for anyone who is curious how the process works:
Typically ER take about 30-45 minutes. The doctor uses a transvaginal ultrasound to guide a needle through the back wall of your vagina, up to your ovaries. Each follicle is a small fluid filled space in the ovary that contains one egg. They use the needle to aspirate the follicle, gently suck the fluid and egg from the follicle to the needle and collecting it into a test tube. These eggs are then promptly transferred to the embryology lab for fertilization.
I will be taking the whole day off for this so that I can heal and relax after it is over. I am pretty excited to spend the rest of the day reading, watching movies, and sleeping when I would normally be at work. (Note: I will be put under for this procedure as it is quite invasive)
Here's to hoping for lots and LOTS of good eggs and fertilization of these eggs! I will post more about the actual retrieval after it happens. Next week will be embryo transfer! We pray we will have lots of good embryos to choose from, with many left over that we can freeze and use when we decide to get pregnant again. Pretty crazy that we can freeze and store our unborn children until we are ready for them, huh?
For those following our journey, please pray that we will get a good egg count tomorrow and lots of healthy embryos (unborn or unhatched offspring in the process of development) out of this. I've never been so nervous or excited about anything in my whole life! I'm nervous because I'm scared of more disappointment and our hearts getting broken again, and so excited thinking that everything will work out and we will have a miracle on the way!
Tuesday, April 19
I drove to SLC for an early morning ultrasound and blood draw. Though the ultrasounds are starting to feel extra unpleasant due to my bulging ovaries, it has been fun to watch and see what is going on inside of my body. My ovaries look more and more like cobwebs at every visit. They are very active and stimulated, so I am really praying for a successful egg retrieval with LOTS of healthy eggs.
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| Not the best pic, but here's a quick pic of my ovaries |
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| Not mine, but my ultrasounds look a lot like this one |
The nurses said it was probably looking like I could take my last tummy shots and start my trigger shot that evening (to tell my body when to ovulate). Yay! After my blood test was verified, I received a phone call later that day with exact times to take my last stomach injections and trigger shot. Egg retrieval has been scheduled for early Thursday morning!
We took my last dosage of Menapur and Gonal-F at 6:15. After taking these and eating dinner, I was BLOATED. I could barely breathe and kept cursing myself for eating too much food. I was so bloated that I had to take off my pants and put on some stretchy pants. Good news I suppose, as it just means my ovaries are growing and producing Grade A eggs for our future children :)
Two hours later at exactly 8:15 we took Pregnyl (trigger shot), that goes in the hip. This needle has been making me nervous because it is longer and fatter than the others we have taken, so I called a nurse in our ward to come do this one for us. I knew that if it was up to Vance and me, we might psyche ourselves out and not get the injection in at the exact time we were supposed to. Therefore, I was so grateful to find an experienced nurse be willing to come to our house and help us out. She showed Vance how to do it properly, since he will be giving me very similar shots in the hip with large needles for the Progesterone that I need to start next week.
(Note: 36 hours after the trigger shot is taken, I will ovulate. Hence the 7:45am appointment to collect eggs on Thursday).
After this shot was over I felt like I could relax, knowing that we followed all of the steps correctly and that I didn't have to take any shots the following day. I took all my supplements early (prenatals, fish oil, DHEA, and Co-Q10----all prescribed by my doctor to help with the IVF conception), washed up for bed, and treated myself to starting a new show on Netflix (One Tree Hill....not new but new to me. I just finished Hart of Dixie and decided that OTH will be my next new girly show).
By 10:00, I was exhausted and passed out on the bed.
Day 10
Wednesday, April 20
No shots today, wahoo! Just feeling very bloated and am super excited for tomorrow morning.
Today I am just supposed to drink lots and lots of water (and Gatorade too if I want). I start doxycycline with dinner tonight, which is an antibiotic to help prevent infection. Vance has been taking this for the past week to help his little swimmers be as clean and pure as possible. They will collect his last sample of swimmers tomorrow so that we have fresh eggs and fresh sperm ready to go!
I can't eat or drink anything after midnight tonight, but that shouldn't be an issue since I don't eat past 8:00 anyway. Just hope I don't forget and start drinking water tomorrow morning. I am so excited for the egg retrieval. I find this whole IVF process so fascinating.
Here is a little bit about the egg retrieval for anyone who is curious how the process works:
Typically ER take about 30-45 minutes. The doctor uses a transvaginal ultrasound to guide a needle through the back wall of your vagina, up to your ovaries. Each follicle is a small fluid filled space in the ovary that contains one egg. They use the needle to aspirate the follicle, gently suck the fluid and egg from the follicle to the needle and collecting it into a test tube. These eggs are then promptly transferred to the embryology lab for fertilization.
I will be taking the whole day off for this so that I can heal and relax after it is over. I am pretty excited to spend the rest of the day reading, watching movies, and sleeping when I would normally be at work. (Note: I will be put under for this procedure as it is quite invasive)
Here's to hoping for lots and LOTS of good eggs and fertilization of these eggs! I will post more about the actual retrieval after it happens. Next week will be embryo transfer! We pray we will have lots of good embryos to choose from, with many left over that we can freeze and use when we decide to get pregnant again. Pretty crazy that we can freeze and store our unborn children until we are ready for them, huh?
For those following our journey, please pray that we will get a good egg count tomorrow and lots of healthy embryos (unborn or unhatched offspring in the process of development) out of this. I've never been so nervous or excited about anything in my whole life! I'm nervous because I'm scared of more disappointment and our hearts getting broken again, and so excited thinking that everything will work out and we will have a miracle on the way!
Monday, April 18, 2016
Day 6 – Day 8
Day 6
Saturday, April 16
I had an ultrasound and a blood draw early Saturday morning. My ovaries look good, though the right side looks more active than the left side. There are a lot of active growing follicles.
I started the Cetrotide shot in my stomach Saturday morning, which is a medication to help prevent early ovulation.
I got a phone call later that afternoon saying to keep on going with the same dosage of medicine. My estradiol (estrogen sex hormone) had risen dramatically from 195 on Thursday to 582 that day. Good sign!
Still continuing nightly injections of Menapur (follicle stimulating hormone that stimulates healthy ovaries to make eggs) and Gonal-F (a synthetic version of a natural sex hormone to help stimulate the development of the follicles and eggs).
Still no signs of bloating or cramping, but started to feel fatigued. Not sure if the fatigue is related to the medication or just all the running around and back and forth trips to Salt Lake I've had to do lately.
(Funny note: Because of my high estrogen levels, Vance asked me if I was feeling even more womanly than usual and if I wanted to bake tons of bread and make him a sandwhich....ha! And my friend Peggy asked if I was in the mood to make and display a bunch of doilies at my house. Gotta love the humor!)
Day 7
Sunday, April 17
Minor cramping and bloating, but mostly just felt really fatigued and napped all day. Thank goodness for Sundays :)
I really dread my tummy shots (9:00pm) and was complaining about them while Vance was mixing the meds. He walked over to me laying on the couch with the ready-to-go syringe in his hand and said, "Hush up little Anni, and accept your fate!" He is so goofy and funny it keeps me laughing through this whole process.
(Note: I thought I would have horrible skin and be breaking out like crazy because of all of the hormones being put into my body, but it has actually been quite the opposite. As I was washing my face for bed last night, I noticed that my skin actually looks and feels (much) clearer than usual; a nice and smooth even tone, with no breakouts at all. I love it!)
Day 8
Monday, April 18
Slight cramping and a bit more bloated.
Just got back from my SLC appointment. Had another ultrasound and blood test and met with a nurse afterwards to go over my schedule. My ultrasound looked really good, with my right side still looking more active than the left.
I will be starting egg retrieval sometime this week! Probably on Thursday. My estradoil is now at 956. I go in for another ultrasound tomorrow morning and hopefully that will determine for sure when I can start taking my trigger shot and when egg retrieval will be.
Every day is one step closer. Keep wishing us luck!
Saturday, April 16
I had an ultrasound and a blood draw early Saturday morning. My ovaries look good, though the right side looks more active than the left side. There are a lot of active growing follicles.
I started the Cetrotide shot in my stomach Saturday morning, which is a medication to help prevent early ovulation.
 |
| Thumbs up while I wait for my ultrasound |
I got a phone call later that afternoon saying to keep on going with the same dosage of medicine. My estradiol (estrogen sex hormone) had risen dramatically from 195 on Thursday to 582 that day. Good sign!
Still continuing nightly injections of Menapur (follicle stimulating hormone that stimulates healthy ovaries to make eggs) and Gonal-F (a synthetic version of a natural sex hormone to help stimulate the development of the follicles and eggs).
Still no signs of bloating or cramping, but started to feel fatigued. Not sure if the fatigue is related to the medication or just all the running around and back and forth trips to Salt Lake I've had to do lately.
(Funny note: Because of my high estrogen levels, Vance asked me if I was feeling even more womanly than usual and if I wanted to bake tons of bread and make him a sandwhich....ha! And my friend Peggy asked if I was in the mood to make and display a bunch of doilies at my house. Gotta love the humor!)
Day 7
Sunday, April 17
Minor cramping and bloating, but mostly just felt really fatigued and napped all day. Thank goodness for Sundays :)
I really dread my tummy shots (9:00pm) and was complaining about them while Vance was mixing the meds. He walked over to me laying on the couch with the ready-to-go syringe in his hand and said, "Hush up little Anni, and accept your fate!" He is so goofy and funny it keeps me laughing through this whole process.
 | ||
| Accept your fate! |
(Note: I thought I would have horrible skin and be breaking out like crazy because of all of the hormones being put into my body, but it has actually been quite the opposite. As I was washing my face for bed last night, I noticed that my skin actually looks and feels (much) clearer than usual; a nice and smooth even tone, with no breakouts at all. I love it!)
Day 8
Monday, April 18
Slight cramping and a bit more bloated.
Just got back from my SLC appointment. Had another ultrasound and blood test and met with a nurse afterwards to go over my schedule. My ultrasound looked really good, with my right side still looking more active than the left.
I will be starting egg retrieval sometime this week! Probably on Thursday. My estradoil is now at 956. I go in for another ultrasound tomorrow morning and hopefully that will determine for sure when I can start taking my trigger shot and when egg retrieval will be.
Every day is one step closer. Keep wishing us luck!
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