Did You Know?
Did you know that if a couple has been
trying to conceive for over one year's time with no success, that they
are considered infertile?
Infertility
I
wish there was a way to explain to others how I feel, without having to
explain it. Infertility is hard to talk about. It is an ugly, ugly
word, and an even uglier reality. Talking about it often ends up with me
running away, covering my face because I can't hold back the tears.
Infertility
causes grief and pain like we cannot describe. It isn't pain that ever
goes away. Just like someone who suffers from an illness or depression
others can't see, we must live day to day like nothing is the matter,
even though our hearts are broken. The fact that I cannot get pregnant
eats at me every single day. Sometimes I will be almost asleep at night,
and then I am slapped wide awake with the reminder that one of my
biggest dreams, something that is so EASY for so many
others to attain, may never come true for us. It causes anxiety that I
try to get rid of, but just cannot seem to shake. Sometimes I will lock
myself in the bathroom, or hide under my bed covers, and just cry.
We
haven't completely given up hope, but I have slowly started to give up
picturing that miraculous moment that I find out I am pregnant for the
first time, picturing Vance's face as I tell him the news, or imagining
that little bump underneath my shirt grow and grow each week. I have
stopped freaking out in excitement about the thought of announcing the
big news to our family and friends, because it now feels like pregnancy
is a dream that is not intended for me.
I do not want to feel this way though. I want to keep the faith, and keep the hope that that this CAN and WILL
happen for us. I know I am not going to be the best mother; I will make
many mistakes,
and probably wish there were a million things I would have done
differently in hindsight. But I also know that I will do my absolute
best job to give my child the best life possible. And I want desperately to experience pregnancy, in all of its uncomfortable, nauseating, and swollen glory.
Our Story
As
some of you may now, Vance and I met while working at a grocery store 4
and a half years ago. We met on aisle 9, which is the pickle aisle next
the the gluten free product. We joke about it often, because it is
un-romantically funny that an aisle that sells bottled cucumbers would
also become the designated place where a love would blossom.
Like
any other couple, we dated, fell in love, and were married. One of the
reasons I knew Vance was the one for me was because he told me right off
the bat how much he wanted to be a dad. The way he interacted with my
only niece and nephew at the time was so adorable, that I knew someday
we would happily fill our own home with babies.
One
year into our marriage, we both knew we wanted to start our family. I
was having baby dreams that I just couldn't deny, and parenthood is
something we have both wanted since we were children ourselves. So, 32
months ago we made the big decision to start our family. We were so
nervous and so excited!
A few months into trying, we had
the opportunity to go to New York City with the company I was working
for at the time. We had a nice romantic date planned on Valentines Day
to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. I had brought a pregnancy test
with me, because I was so SURE that it would read positive. I was going
to announce the big news during dinner that night. What could be more
perfect than announcing to my husband ON Valentines Day, in NYC that I was pregnant?! Instead,
my period arrived an hour before the show, and I had cramps and pains
unrelated to pregnancy during our romantic evening. I was crushed.
Now,
over two and a half years later, the disappointment and heartache has
only thickened. I hate to admit it, but we have started to become a
little bit bitter. Every month feels like a huge slap in the face and I
cannot help but feel betrayed by my own body. My hopeful spirits die
every month that my oh-so-regular and consistent period comes. This
whole process has become an endless waiting game, full of disappointment
and confusion. It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining,
and it is hard to make sense of the fact that is just not happening
for us, when nothing seems to physically be the matter.
Vance
and I have both been tested, and nothing out of ordinary has ever been
discovered. Vance's sperm count and mobility are just fine, and my
ovaries are doing what they supposed to, at least when I am on clomid
and other fertility pills anyway. I've have several ultrasounds, and
each time my doctor has told me that the fertility pills are working
beautifully, and he sees no reason why I shouldn't be able to get
pregnant.
But then my period comes. And then the next
month it comes again. And again, the month after that. Right on
schedule, like clock work. We have gotten to the point where paying for
treatments and doctor appointments has become an expensive burden.
Insurance covers next to nothing, and as a result, we are slowly
building a lovely nest of debt.
The Next Step
Because
doctor visits and procedures are becoming too expensive, and because I
get nervous taking too much time off of work, we have been moving at a
SNAIL pace. I recently stepped back for a little bit, and just tried
home remedies. On top of our countless prayers, I have tried to relax
and cope the best that I can, while taking advice from family, friends,
and fertility forums about different herbal, home, or over the counter
treatments I can try. Nothing seems to be enough. We have made the
decision to dive right back in to further testing and treatments,
despite the fact that this will put us into more debt.
The
next step is for us to take the Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) test. HSG is a
special kind of x-ray. This is an outpatient procedure, that involves
placing an iodine-based dye through the cervix and
taking x-rays to help evaluate the shape of the uterus and whether or
not the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. If anything is blocked, it
will help wipe we clean, like getting ride of cobwebs in a dusty corner
of the house.
Until we take this, we won't know what
the next step is towards becoming pregnant. While it sounds like an easy
enough procedure, it costs over $2,000 and is not covered by insurance.
Ug. Also, I have heard from some that this procedure can be quite
painful, while others have said it is not too bad. I don't know what to
expect, and am nervous. Thankfully, Vance will be by my side for this.
I
am having this test done tomorrow, so wish us luck! I've also started
visiting a new doctor who will be doing further testing on my hormone
levels, etc. I'm actually crossing my fingers that the doctors do find something in this HSG test, or in my hormone levels. The only thing more discouraging than knowing why you cannot have kids, is NOT knowing why you cannot have kids. I pray for answers, so that we can move forward one way or another.
I will do my best to keep updates posted on my blog.
I appreciate everyone who took the time to read this, and thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. We really feel it.
