Update Part 3: Peace, Acceptance, and Faith

Written last Saturday: 

There comes a day when you stop holding your breath and stop praying that things will happen the way you want or expect them to. For me, that day was today. And it isn't because I am giving up, but because even though this life isn't turning out how I expected it to, or even necessarily how I wanted it to, that doesn't mean that my life isn't meaningful or beautiful. And even though it all seems so unfair, and I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out of my chest, I can still find happiness.

Perhaps the Lord has something a little more unconventional planned for Vance and me, and our path has just been paved a little bit differently than others we see getting blessed in a way we crave to be blessed. Maybe we are not meant to fit a certain mold. Maybe he keeps telling us NO because there is something else we need to do right now. I wish I knew for sure. I'm scared, puzzled, and regrettably jaded, but I think I have a few ideas of what I am meant to do, and who I am meant to become as we continue to move forward. I have faith that Heavenly Father has wonderful things in store for us, we just need to be patient a little while longer.

Update Part 2: IUI

In the same visit that my doctor informed me on the results of the HSG test and the anatomy of my body, I asked if he thought artificial insemination could be a good next step for us, and he said yes. IUI was something Vance and I had been contemplating for awhile, and if the doctor thought it was a good idea, we wanted to go ahead and try it.

Our first round was on August 4th. The doctor agreed that this would be a good next step to take, and thought it could be successful. This was a huge decision for us because we were both so nervous having already spent so much money trying to figure out what is wrong with us while constantly getting our hopes up each month. Plus, the financial burden was, and still is at its all-time high. Because of his current semester of student teaching, we knew Vance would not be able to bring in a paycheck for the next 5 months while we pay for his last semester of school. But we felt strongly about trying it, and went with what we felt was right.

Although it is inexpensive in comparison to in vitro, after medications, trigger shots, doctor visits, ultrasounds, the actual procedure, and the blood work, the price for artificial insemination adds up quickly. Especially when none of it is covered by insurance. Not to mention, the medications do a number on me physically and emotionally. This is not something you want to do month after month. You just dive into it and pray that it will work out in the first, second, or third round.

The day of our first round of artificial insemination, I was nervous, but soooo excited. I drove to work that morning feeling like I was on a cloud, and was just super giddy all day long. When it was time to head back to the doctor's office that afternoon, Vance and I were prepared to become pregnant, and felt for the first time in almost 3 years that it really could and would happen for us. The procedure went soooo smoothly, and really didn't hurt that bad. We said a beautiful prayer right after, and we both felt wonderful. I had a blood test on day 21 of my cycle (on my birthday), and the nurse called me back and told me that I had an extremely high number for ovulation, and that my odds were looking good.

However, 2 weeks after our IUI, my period came.  We were CRUSHED.  It hurt to tell our family, who all knew and were waiting for the news, that it didn't work. Even the doctor admitted he thought we had in it the bag. I grieved and mourned, and constantly had to hide in the bathroom stall at work so that no one would see me crying. Sadness would just overwhelm me at random times of the day, without warning. None of it made any sense. This was supposed to be our time. We had felt so confident, only to be crushed.

Round 2 of artificial insemination took place on September 27th; day 14 of my cycle. Same medications, except for that this time I had added thyroid medication and progesterone into the mix. This would only help the situation, especially the thyroid medication. Since my ovulation date kept falling on the weekend, our doctor  made arrangements to have the procedure take place Saturday morning. This was great, because that meant I didn't have to try and leave work early again, and wouldn't need to feel so rushed this time. It was a cool, cloudy, rainy morning. It was so peaceful and beautiful. We were the only car on the road, everyone else was still in bed. I couldn't help but feel like that peaceful morning where no one else was awake yet, was made just for just us because it was our special day.

This time, the procedure was A LOT more painful. I experienced lots of cramping, and let out a few wails as the catheter entered my uterus. But the ultrasound looked magnificent, and my sweet Vance said another beautiful prayer afterwards. I felt so peaceful as I lay there for the 20-30 recommended minutes after IUI. When we got home, Vance made me breakfast, and we figured it would be best if I rested in bed for a little bit longer before I got up and started doing chores.

By noon, it was clear I wouldn't be doing any chores that day. I had been experiencing extremely painful cramps. In fact, by mid afternoon, they were so bad I could barely even move, and even getting up to go to the bathroom was an impossible feat. I laid curled up in a ball, in bed, all day. It was a pain I had never felt before, not even with menstrual cramps. It felt like my ovaries were going to explode, and I feared Vance might need to take me to the emergency room if the pain didn't decrease soon. It was a miracle I was able to fall asleep that night, but I did it. Luckily by morning, the pain just felt like normal menstruation cramps; slightly unpleasant, but definitely bearable. We prayed that the intense pain was a good sign that my body was just making magic happen.

I had another blood test done on day 21, and the nurse told me that the reason I was in so much pain on they day of our IUI was most likely because my ovulation was EXTREMELY high, and the doctor thinks that two of my active cysts went off at the same time. Great news, right?! And talk about PERFECT timing! Just hours after I was "impregnated" (so to speak), the ovaries were ready to ovulate. The science was perfect; we had the correct ingredients planted at just the right time, and as far as I can gather, we couldn't have done anything more to increase our chances. Well, I bet you can guess what happened next....

2 weeks after our last IUI (just last Friday), my period came.

We both took it really hard. Vance even admitted to me that the night before our second round, he had had a dream where he was patting my growing belly, and it made him feel really confident this time. As heartbroken as we were and still are, last weekend we came to a hard acceptance: Heavenly Father is telling us no.

He has told me "NO" 36 times now. 36! It is so painful to accept this answer when for 3 years we have felt so strongly, and had dreams where we have felt we are supposed to create a family. But the fact that there really isn't anything wrong with either of us (other than a heart-shaped uterus and a thyroid that is in the process of being regulated) shows me that there is a higher authority who for some reason is preventing a baby from growing inside of me right now.

Why it is not our time, I do not understand. But this last month gave me a reality slap across the face and I felt like I was being told that I can try all I want right now, and the Lord still has a say in whether or not it is going to happen for us. He has heard our pleas, and seen the dedication we've given to trying to making this happen. Our efforts have not gone in vain, I know he has seen it. But here's what it comes down to: We are tired of spending all of this money, and even more tired of getting our hopes up and our hearts broken, just to get the clear answer that it isn't going to happen right now. Even when the stars all seem to align, there is something that is holding us back. Thus, Vance and I are done trying for a little while, and instead we are going to spend time thoroughly evaluating what it is that Heavenly Father wants us to do and/or learn right now.

Update Part 1: HSG Results

The last time I posted an entry, I was getting ready to take the HSG dye test.

That was over 4 months ago, and the test did in fact shed a little insight.

The day of the test, Vance and I sat nervously in the radiology waiting room while Despicable Me 2 played in the background. Once they called my name, we went to the procedure room and the nurses went over the process, and what to expect.

Just like all doctor visits related to anything that has to do with going up and inside my private area, I freak myself out. From the moment the nurses tell me to undress from the waist down, to the moment the doctor comes in and tells me to lay down on my back, put my feet in the stirrups, and scooch my bum down to the bottom of the table so my legs will spread, I get anxious.

On my list of things I hate to do, this is definitely one of them. But I do it for future baby. And to be honest, when the HSG test was over, I breathed a sigh of relief because it really wasn't TOO bad. It went relatively quick, and while it was slightly uncomfortable, Vance was at my side.

During the procedure, the radiologist was able to determine from the digital x-ray that was displayed on the television monitor, that my fallopian tubes were wide open; no blockage. He said that everything looked good. Which is good news, right? But it made our hearts sink, because it meant there were still NO immediate answers, and we just spent a lot of money on the test. He said he would send the x-ray results to my OBGYN.

Although disappointed, I was relieved we had done the test, and that it was over. I even felt comfort, as opposed to the anxiety and depression I so often feel. I thought that I would for sure experience anger and depression if I heard one more time that nothing was wrong with my body, but instead I was at peace. Vance and I both remained positive by saying that we were grateful we took the test because at least now we knew that my tubes weren't blocked, and we could continue our journey to becoming pregnant.

Just over a month after taking this test, I got a call from my OB's nurse saying that he looked over my test results, and wanted to go over them with me in person. We knew immediately after taking the test that my tubes weren't blocked. But upon examination of my x rays, my doctor noticed that my uterus is abnormally shaped. He did a little drawing for me. While most women's uterus's are shaped more like a light bulb or a pear, mine in shaped like a heart. They call them uterine horns or something like that.

Normal looking uterus

My uterus

He says women still get pregnant with a bicornate or "heart-shaped" uterus, but the abnormal shape CAN make it more tricky. Especially if I only ovulate in one "horn", but perhaps the sperm is traveling to the other horn. It can also cause some trickiness when a baby does grow because it can make it harder for the baby to rotate to a head first position.

So, it's not much news, but considering this is the ONLY lead on anything we have found since we started getting tested for infertility 2 years ago, it's the only thing we can go off of that might be causing me to have a hard time getting pregnant. And I'm kind of excited to know a little bit more about what's going on inside of my body! Any news is progress.

Oh, and according to my family doctor, my thyroid doesn't work nearly as well as it should. I've have my thyroid tested several times before in the past 3 years, and no one has ever told me this before, so it's a little bit frustrating that one doctor (my OB) says it looks good, and another (Family Dr.) says it doesn't. So I am currently on thyroid medication to help regulate that aspect of my body. Praying it makes a change. For all we know, regulating my thyroid, as well as understanding the shape of my uterus, could be the missing links to my getting pregnant.

Also, one last thing I have failed to mention: Vance is currently taking part in a 6 month fertility study with the University of Utah. Vance is to take a daily folic acid pill, record his events throughout the day, and every couple of months they test his sperm for count, mobility, etc. We are almost certain this study is not the answer to our questions. We know that there is not a problem with Vance, but are hopeful that this study can help the University discover some answers they need that could be used to help other struggling couples.

Our Infertility Journey

Did You Know?

Did you know that if a couple has been trying to conceive for over one year's time with no success, that they are considered infertile?

Infertility

I wish there was a way to explain to others how I feel, without having to explain it. Infertility is hard to talk about. It is an ugly, ugly word, and an even uglier reality. Talking about it often ends up with me running away, covering my face because I can't hold back the tears.

Infertility causes grief and pain like we cannot describe. It isn't pain that ever goes away. Just like someone who suffers from an illness or depression others can't see, we must live day to day like nothing is the matter, even though our hearts are broken. The fact that I cannot get pregnant eats at me every single day. Sometimes I will be almost asleep at night, and then I am slapped wide awake with the reminder that one of my biggest dreams, something that is so EASY for so many others to attain, may never come true for us. It causes anxiety that I try to get rid of, but just cannot seem to shake. Sometimes I will lock myself in the bathroom, or hide under my bed covers, and just cry.

We haven't completely given up hope, but I have slowly started to give up picturing that miraculous moment that I find out I am pregnant for the first time, picturing Vance's face as I tell him the news, or imagining that little bump underneath my shirt grow and grow each week. I have stopped freaking out in excitement about the thought of announcing the big news to our family and friends, because it now feels like pregnancy is a dream that is not intended for me.

I do not want to feel this way though. I want to keep the faith, and keep the hope that that this CAN and WILL happen for us. I know I am not going to be the best mother; I will make many mistakes, and probably wish there were a million things I would have done differently in hindsight. But I also know that I will do my absolute best job to give my child the best life possible. And I want desperately to experience pregnancy, in all of its uncomfortable, nauseating, and swollen glory.

Our Story

As some of you may now, Vance and I met while working at a grocery store 4 and a half years ago. We met on aisle 9, which is the pickle aisle next the the gluten free product. We joke about it often, because it is un-romantically funny that an aisle that sells bottled cucumbers would also become the designated place where a love would blossom.

Like any other couple, we dated, fell in love, and were married. One of the reasons I knew Vance was the one for me was because he told me right off the bat how much he wanted to be a dad. The way he interacted with my only niece and nephew at the time was so adorable, that I knew someday we would happily fill our own home with babies.

One year into our marriage, we both knew we wanted to start our family. I was having baby dreams that I just couldn't deny, and parenthood is something we have both wanted since we were children ourselves. So, 32 months ago we made the big decision to start our family. We were so nervous and so excited!

A few months into trying, we had the opportunity to go to New York City with the company I was working for at the time. We had a nice romantic date planned on Valentines Day to see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. I had brought a pregnancy test with me, because I was so SURE that it would read positive. I was going to announce the big news during dinner that night. What could be more perfect than announcing to my husband ON Valentines Day, in NYC that I was pregnant?! Instead, my period arrived an hour before the show, and I had cramps and pains unrelated to pregnancy during our romantic evening. I was crushed.

Now, over two and a half years later, the disappointment and heartache has only thickened. I hate to admit it, but we have started to become a little bit bitter. Every month feels like a huge slap in the face and I cannot help but feel betrayed by my own body. My hopeful spirits die every month that my oh-so-regular and consistent period comes. This whole process has become an endless waiting game, full of disappointment and confusion. It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining, and it is  hard to make sense of the fact that is just not happening for us, when nothing seems to physically be the matter.

Vance and I have both been tested, and nothing out of ordinary has ever been discovered. Vance's sperm count and mobility are just fine, and my ovaries are doing what they supposed to, at least when I am on clomid and other fertility pills anyway. I've have several ultrasounds, and each time my doctor has told me that the fertility pills are working beautifully, and he sees no reason why I shouldn't be able to get pregnant.

But then my period comes. And then the next month it comes again. And again, the month after that. Right on schedule, like clock work. We have gotten to the point where paying for treatments and doctor appointments has become an expensive burden. Insurance covers next to nothing, and as a result, we are slowly building a lovely nest of debt.

The Next Step

Because doctor visits and procedures are becoming too expensive, and because I get nervous taking too much time off of work, we have been moving at a SNAIL pace. I recently stepped back for a little bit, and just tried home remedies. On top of our countless prayers, I have tried to relax and cope the best that I can, while taking advice from family, friends, and fertility forums about different herbal, home, or over the counter treatments I can try. Nothing seems to be enough. We have made the decision to dive right back in to further testing and treatments, despite the fact that this will put us into more debt.

The next step is for us to take the Hysterosalpinogram (HSG) test. HSG is a special kind of x-ray. This is an outpatient procedure, that involves placing an iodine-based dye through the cervix and taking x-rays to help evaluate the shape of the uterus and whether or not the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. If anything is blocked, it will help wipe we clean, like getting ride of cobwebs in a dusty corner of the house.

Until we take this, we won't know what the next step is towards becoming pregnant. While it sounds like an easy enough procedure, it costs over $2,000 and is not covered by insurance. Ug. Also, I have heard from some that this procedure can be quite painful, while others have said it is not too bad. I don't know what to expect, and am nervous. Thankfully, Vance will be by my side for this.

I am having this test done tomorrow, so wish us luck! I've also started visiting a new doctor who will be doing further testing on my hormone levels, etc. I'm actually crossing my fingers that the doctors do find something in this HSG test, or in my hormone levels. The only thing more discouraging than knowing why you cannot have kids, is NOT knowing why you cannot have kids. I pray for answers, so that we can move forward one way or another.

I will do my best to keep updates posted on my blog.

I appreciate everyone who took the time to read this, and thank you all for your love, support, and prayers. We really feel it.

V-Day 2014

February 14th.

I love Valentine's Day. I always have. In years past, it didn't matter whether I spent it romantically with a boyfriend, or if it was spent eating homemade pizza and rootbeer with my parents. I love all of the red and pink hearts, frosting and sprinkles, making fun decorated cards, and forgetting that it is cold and gloomy outside. It adds a little glimmer of excitement and hope to an otherwise drab month. February 14th is a day to really focus on the people you care about, and let them know you love them. Because let's face it, we all forget to spread a little love on a regular basis. Creating a holiday dedicated to LOVE helps remind us to treat those we love (whether romantically or not) how they deserve to always feel. Flowers, candy, and jewelry are just an added bonus :)

With Vance in my life, Valentine's Day has been just that much better. He has been my Valentine since 2010, and it's always been a special day for us. And not because we go all out to impress each other. It is special because we both get so excited to do or make something thoughtful for the other person that we know will let the other know that he/she is special. On our first Valentine's Day, Vance was shy to ask me if I would be his lady on Valentine's Day. We didn't become official for another month or so, but in our early days, he always called me his girl. I remember very vividly, being "his girl" that year. I made him a large cookie and spelled out in frosting "I think you are cute." We didn't know much about each other yet, but because our first topic of conversation happened to be about Michael Jackson (go figure) just one month before, Vance got me the MJ movie, This Is It, that had just come out on DVD.

Our next Valentine's Day was our first year as a married couple. I still get misty eyed when I think about coming home from work, and going to open to the door just to hear Vance shout, "Don't come in yet! I'm not quite ready for you." I then heard dishes clanking, and cupboards opening and closing. When I was allowed to enter, the dining room was dimly lit and set for 2, there were rose petals everywhere, and Vance had made me dinner and chocolate dipped strawberries, topped off with a single red rose. Vance has always gone the extra mile to make sure I know I'm still his lady.

This year, Vance might have outdone himself. I still get giddy over his thoughtful ideas. I've never recieved a box of chocolates or a teddy bear from him, even though I'd giggle like crazy over it. He always tries to put some kind of sentiment behind what he is giving me. It started out with flowers, orchids to be exact, that he hand delivered me to work with a kiss. I was so flustered and giddy I could hardly concentrated the remainder of the day.

Then, I came home to an exciting surprise. If any of you have ever watched How I Met Your Mother, you will know how sweet this is. For those who don't know, I will quickly explain.

The main character of the show, Ted, is madly in love with this girl named Robin. Ted is a helpless romantic who wears his heart on his sleeve. Robin is a jaded skeptic who keeps anyone who might have feelings for her at a distance. Being madly in love with Robin, Ted will do anything to prove to Robin that he wants to be with her. One evening they are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant in NYC, and and are sitting directly below a French Blue Horn being displayed in the restaurant.

Robin mentions she would like a horn like that to display in her apartment. It's been a few years since I've last seen this episode, so my memory is a little bit hazy, but after a little spat that the 2 have (probably Robin telling Ted they are not compatible and cannot and will not work out), Ted ends up going back to the restaurant to steal the blue french horn and shows up at Robin's doorstep with the french horn she mentioned she wanted in hand. I tried to find a YouTube clip, since that would be better and more romantic than me trying to explain the story, but alas I could not find one.

The moral of this story was that Ted would do anything for Robin, and he did. Not saying what he did was morally right, stealing and all, but it sure was romantic! ;)

And this is what Vance got me this year. Make sure you read the note :)

What makes the story even cuter is that Vance found a bronze colored horn necklace somewhere on his own, and then painted it blue himself. He went to a craft store, had to find the right color of paint, and worked on this little project a few weeks ago when I was away at a baby shower. I had no idea he had any thoughtful tricks up his sleeve for me this year, but he did! Sure do love my man and all that he does to make me feel so special. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I'm not complaining!

The orchids were a nice touch, because they STILL look brand new at my desk. No sign of wilting, and they have lots of buds still waiting to bloom. I get so many compliments on them at work, and every time I glance over and look at them I am reminded what a great husband I have.

Thank you for letting me brag.

On a side note, I had fun making Valentines for my co-workers this year. I've designed a few tags and labels for a lady who makes and sells gourmet chocolate (Bella Rose Chocolates if you want to look it up), and I asked if I could be paid in chocolate rather than money this time. I ordered some chocolate mustaches from her, and they made for entertaining (and delicious!) Valentine's.

Thanks for letting me share the love with you!