Jackpot Winners

It's official!

Vance and I are starting IVF through the University of Utah this spring. We are still speechless! There are no words to explain how very blessed we feel, and how much overwhelming gratitude we feel for the generous donor who made this possible for us. We are SO excited!

For detailed updates on our process, I will be trying to keep up with everything on here. I have decided to go private on our blog while we go through this, since only family and a few close friends know that this is happening. We want to keep this process private, but give those who care about us an opportunity to be in the loop. Therefore, we will not be sharing any updates on social media, or telling many others about our exciting news just yet. We ask you to please do the same :)

Please keep us in your prayers, send good vibes our way, and wish us luck!

A Not-So-Brief Summary

In June of 2015, Vance and I found our new doctor.

Vance had previously spent the past 6 months doing a study through the University of Utah called the FAZST study. Copied from their website, the FAZST study is this:

A randomized placebo-controlled clinical trial to assess the effects of folic acid and zinc dietary supplementation in males on semen quality and fertility rates among couples trying to conceive and seeking assisted reproduction. The primary objective of the study is to assess the impact of folic acid and zinc dietary supplementation in males on semen quality and indirectly fertility outcomes among couples attempting to conceive and seeking assisted reproduction. 

Because we had been participating in this study, we received an email inviting us to an infertility seminar held by the U of U, where we could direct any questions we had to the guest fertility specialists, and there would be prize drawings at the end of the seminar. We attended, met with specialists, and won a free consultation to meet with one of the head reproductive endocrinologists to help further diagnose our situation. A couple weeks later we met with our doctor. We felt really good after we met Dr. Moore, and long story short, we have been working with him ever since.

Last summer/fall, after a few more tests to diagnose the health and quality of my uterus, after testing the penetration and quality of Vance's sperm, and lastly, after several more failed IUI attempts, we consulted with him about in vitro fertilization (IVF). He laid everything out for us. The pros, the cons, the process, what to expect throughout the process, the success rate, the chances of multiples, the risks of early delivery, and of course.....the dreaded cost. He told us that we are great candidates for IVF because we are young, healthy, and there appears to be nothing wrong with either us. Then he told us about 2 routes that we could explore to help us out financially since most insurances don't cover IVF or anything infertility related. He gave us information for both options, and encouraged us to apply for both alternative routes.

The first option he explained was the IVF Cycle Plus Guarantee. Applicants who qualify for this are granted up to 3 cycles of IVF with a live baby as the end result, or else you will receive a large portion of your money back. So, if you ended up paying about $16,000 (not including medications, which wouldn't be refunded) and never gave a live birth after 3 rounds, you would get approximately $13,000 back. Once you are approved for the money back guarantee program, you can start as soon as you'd like. Biggest downfall is that money must be paid in full at the beginning of the process; you can't make payment plans.

The second option was the Miracle Fund. Anonymous donors will donate enough money for most medications and one fresh round of IVF for eligible candidates. I was touched to hear about the generosity of such kind people. To be eligible, couples have to have been married for a certain amount of years, been trying to conceive for a certain amount of years, and fit within a specific financial bracket. The Miracle Fund is a bit more lengthy of a process, usually taking about 5 months from beginning to end, but the potential of receiving a free round of IVF could be worth the wait.

We immediately began applying of both. There were things we loved about each potential option, and things we were nervous about with each. Here are both options, as laid out by one of our nurses.

Cycle Plus Guarantee:
*Includes one fresh cycle and two frozen cycles (to be done within 1 year of approval notice)
*Includes cryopreservation
*Does not include any medication
*No wait is necessary to begin IVF cycle
*Refund is given if pregnancy is not achieved as defined by the agreement

Miracle fund:
*Pays for one fresh cycle and ICSI (if needed)
*Pays for most medication (there are a few meds that are not covered with this grant)
*Does not pay for cryopreservation
*Does not pay for any frozen cycles
*Have to wait for grant approval before can begin cycle
*No refunds given

Note: Cryopreservation is $1,000-one time fee.
Storage fees are $435/year billed out semi-annually ($217.50 twice a year)
Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle is $2,720 per cycle

A few weeks after applying for both, we received an email saying that we qualified for Tier 1 of the IVF Cycle Plus Guarantee program. See below. As you can see, Tier 1 is the best tier you can get. We qualified for Tier 1 because we are healthy and there are no known health risks with either of us.

IVF & IVF WITH ICSI
Tier 1 Tier 1
Warrantee Payment 14,850 Warrantee Payment 16,100
Refund Amount if unsuccessful 12,850 Refund Amount if unsuccessful 13,100
Tier2 Tier 2
Warrantee Payment 17,250 Warrantee Payment 18,500
Refund Amount if unsuccessful 13,750 Refund Amount if unsuccessful 14,000
Tier 3 Tier 3
Warrantee Payment 19,450 Warrantee Payment 20,700
Refund Amount if unsuccessful 15,450 Refund Amount if unsuccessful 15,700
Tier 4 Tier 4
Warrantee Payment 21,500 Warrantee Payment 22,750
Refund Amount if unsuccessful 16,500 Refund Amount if unsuccessful 16,500
Tier 5 Tier 5
Warrantee Payment 25,500 Warrantee Payment 26,750
Refund Amount if unsuccessful 18,000 Refund Amount if unsuccessful 18,500

We were so excited to know that this was a potential route to take. We LOVED knowing that we could try up to 3 times and get most of our money back if it didn't work. What we didn't love was how much we would have to pay upfront. And if we did get pregnant and deliver, we would have a hefty IVF loan to pay off in the future. 

In the meantime, I followed up with the Miracle Fund to check our status on that. We didn't feel too hopeful that we would receive this fund, but a part of me told me I better at least try and give it all that I had.

As mentioned, the Miracle Fund was a much longer process. After they reviewed our tax returns from the past 3 years, they mailed us a packet of information to be filled out. We filled out financial charts on how much we earn annually, how our earnings are distributed (mortgage, car, groceries, etc.), how much we spend on a monthly basis, and how much money we generally have left over. We wrote down our education and employment history for the past 5-10 years, references for contact, and included drivers license information for background checks. 

Probably the most humbling part of the Miracle Fund process was asking 5 unrelated friends or couples to write letters of recommendation on our behalf, explaining their observations of us as people and as potential parents. This was hard for me because it meant being vulnerable and exposing ourselves and our situation to those who might not really know what we were going through, and then asking them to do us a huge favor. We prayed long and hard about the 5 couples we would ask, and felt really good about who we chose. Each person graciously said they would love to do that for us. It was an amazing experience to see our friends from all walks of life - both new friends and old friends - do such a charitable gesture on our behalf. 

Once all 5 couples mailed their letters back to the Miracle Fund, we would wait to receive another letter saying whether or not we would proceed with a home study.

While we waited throughout the Miracle Fund process, I stressed about second jobs I could take to help come up with the money if the Miracle Fund didn't work out, and if we decided to go through with the Cycle Plus Guarantee. I constantly searched possible night jobs and had a difficult time finding something that would allow me to work a few extra hours each evening but still allow me to keep some of my sanity left at the end of each day. I felt so defeated and hopeless.

Just when we were informing to our families about the Cycle Plus Guarantee option and figuring out loan options to pay for IVF upfront, we received a letter from the Miracle Fund.

My heart leapt out of my chest. This letter meant we were one step closer to achieving our dream!

I immediately called the social worker's number they gave me, and we had an appointment set up for February 15th (President's Day, because Vance had the day off).

Vance and I had a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend, even though it was the smoggiest, nastiest inversion weather I have ever seen in Utah Valley. We went up to Midway that Saturday to help my parents move up to their second home in Twin Falls, Idaho. That evening we celebrated Love Day a day early by going out to dinner and watching a chick flick on the couch (50 First Dates). My idea of a perfect date! And on Sunday I wore my new Valentine's Day necklace from Vance to church, twisted my ankle on black ice, and spent the evening with a swollen ankle while trying to get our house in tiptop shape for our home study following day. The Walking Dead started back up, and I had a box of chocolates, so even though I hurt my ankle, it really was a great day.

Monday morning I baked cookies and finished tidying up the house for our social worker. And by tidying up, I mean that I spent Sunday and Monday morning maniacally deep cleaning the entire house. I'm not going to lie, our house looked amazing. Like the tidiest it has ever looked, and probably ever will look! We kind of busted our humps making it look perfect. On top of the deep cleaning, we finally hung up pictures we had been delaying since our move last April, and used this home study as an excuse to finally organize our insanely messy and chaotic second spare room into an office. We worked our butts off making our home look great, and I was exhausted! 

Our social worker Larry arrived, and he was the kindest, sweetest person I have ever met. First thing he said was "Well, your house looks......emaculate. I hope you didn't spend too much time cleaning it for me." We both shook our heads and said "No, not at all!" I'm sure he could see through our lies! haha!

Vance modeling in front of our newly hung pictures :)

The meeting was just like an adoption homestudy, meaning a social worker will come into your home and make sure your house and the people living in it are a suitable environment for a child. He met with us for a couple of hours, and went over all kinds of scenarios with us. We met with him together, and then again individually. After he interviewed both of us, he toured our place, and said he really liked us and our home. I prayed that he could sense how hard working we are, how genuine we are as people, how much we love each other, and how strong our desire to have a family was. 

To end, Larry gave us a whole NEW stack of paperwork to be filled out, told us it was a pleasure to meet us, and left. Once we filled out the new stack of paperwork and completed our background checks, we would most likely receive a letter in about a month, letting us know if we got accepted for the fund or not. It took us about a week to get all the paperwork done and our background checks complete. I mailed our paperwork back in, and did my best to not play the waiting game. 

Ready for send off!

On March 11, 2016 we received a letter in the mail......
 

No Matter What

This November marks 4 years of trying to start our family. 

Every month that my body fails me, thus breaking my heart, I feel like my prayers, pleas, and endless efforts to start a family are being ignored. Like it is all a huge waste of time, money, and false hopes. I wonder why instead of pulling out our savings to do another round of artificial insemination, why are we not buying ourselves a new coffee table, rug, or couch instead? Why aren't we paying down our debt faster and saving up for a relaxing tropical vacation or European trip instead of saving for inVitro fertilization? Men are that they might have joy, right?

Years of unexplained infertility is enough to make anyone want to lose their mind, pound their fists, and scream "WHY?!" from the rooftop. Sometimes I feel SO angry, and SO hurt, and I just want to have an insane, justified, freak out moment of destruction. Or scream into a pillow and cry my guts out for hours. Other times I feel so numb and disconnected, like I'm just an empty shell, aimlessly living day-to-day life and monotonously going through the daily grind. I almost wish there was something wrong with either of us, so that I could at least have some closure or understanding as to why I'm not allowed to become a mother, and why Vance isn't allowed to become a father. I could cope if I knew it was because I had endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or bad eggs. I could cope if we knew that Vance had a low sperm count or low motility, making it nearly impossible to get pregnant. Because then there would at least by an explanation to the WHY.

(Side note: a sonohysterogram performed a few months ago by my new doctor revealed that the possible heart shaped uterus my last doctor noticed in my hysterosalpingogram the summer before (1.5 years ago) was not heart shaped at all. My uterus is completely normal folks. Yay??)

But when you've heard too many times to count that everything looks so good that the possibility of twins is likely, just to discover a couple weeks later that your womb is still as empty as your wallet, it does a number on your soul. When your family and friends announce for themselves the one thing you have been pleading for for years, it stings. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of you, and makes you question for the millionth time why you're the one being left out in the cold.

That first instant of cramping, and that first drop of blood crushes me every month. It never gets easier.  Sometimes I refuse to go to the bathroom even though I know my unwelcome guest is here, just because I feel like if I can't see it yet, it doesn't have to be true.

I'm tired of calling a nurse every time my period starts, and having to time medication, ultrasounds, doctor visits, intercourse, shots, and sample collection perfectly in order for a possible pregnancy to happen. It's exhausting! So much time and effort is taken into preparing that special moment the doctor will inject you with your husband's semen. It becomes especially unsatisfactory when your doctor is performing the IUI which will hopefully get you pregnant, and your husband can't even be there to hold your hand. I am tired of being poked, prodded, tested, examined, and having an audience surround me during what should be my most intimate and private moments. At least it doesn't scare me or make me nervous anymore. I know what to expect now, and I just go with it. At this point, I've accepted that the conception of our child most likely won't happen in a traditional way, if at all.

It's easy to be angry at God, and to question why He is being so unfair to a good couple desiring and pleading to be parents, while so many children are born into unsuitable homes or situations. When I get feeling this way, I think about how blessed I am, and just how much my Lord and Savoir have done for me. In the past year, Vance graduated from school, and was lucky enough to land a teaching job almost immediately. He was told by many of his peers that it can be extremely difficult to find a job in his teaching field, and that it could take a few years before he finally got the job that he was looking for.  So we kind of expected that he might be substitute teaching for awhile. However, Vance was able to start this past August as a Health and Fitness teach at a charter school in South Jordan, and we don't take for granted how blessed he was to get the job. It truly was heaven sent! Especially after a hard year of no second income and trying to pay for school.

Plus, Vance and I have each other. We are so grateful for that. We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary, and words cannot express how much we love each other and love all of this time we have had alone together. Just the other day, I was so down, I sent Vance these texts at work, and this was his response. I married a good, sweet, loving man.

In the past 8 months we also moved out of our dark, spider and mold infested basement apartment, and into a gorgeous new condo that we love. We became homeowners, got rid of Vance's gimpy old car that was borderline too dangerous to drive, and got a new reliable car that we love cruising around in. We have also, through a series of events related to our infertility, been led to the right doctor for us. Luckily with two steady incomes (for the first time since we've been married), we are able to move forward more aggressively with our baby endeavors, and are working hard to get a grant that might hopefully help cover some of the expense of IVF. Our doctor hasn't gotten us pregnant yet, but he is very thorough and caring, and we trust him. He is one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the state, and we are grateful that we were led to him.

One of my favorite LDS church leaders and speaker, Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "We can choose to be grateful, NO MATTER WHAT." In the spirit of November, Thanksgiving, and just being given this life in general, I thought it would be appropriate to share this thought. I journal about my trials of infertility not to show others how hard my life is, or to get sympathy, or to complain, or anything else of that sort. Nobody has an easy, perfect life. I write these things down to help me cope, and to express what I am going through and how I am feeling. Sometimes I have months of pent of emotions that I need to release through thought. I journal about infertility to reflect what I am going through in life's journey, and when I am going through it. And honestly, if I write it down, it feels like rocks are lifted off my shoulders. Even though it doesn't change my situation, writing about it lightens the situation for some reason.

I like to believe that I have an attitude of gratitude for most things in life. Yes, life is hard and often gets me down and puts me in a crummy, grumpy, mean, or sad mood, but overall, I am a grateful and happy person. It doesn't take much to brighten my day, and I am a lover of the small things in life. 

Living a childless life is not what I ever envisioned for myself, but I have learned time and time again in my short earthly existence, that life rarely turns out quite like I want or expect it to. That doesn't mean it can't still be great though. And sometimes it (life) turns out even better than it would have, had it gone how I originally wanted it to.

I know not if I will ever become a mother, but I believe I can still choose to live a full and happy life if children are not granted to me. Will my heart always ache to be a mother? Yes. Will this be the last time I write about how I grieve, cope, and deal with infertility? Nope. But I understand that there are other positive things I can focus on in life if kids just aren't in the cards for us. If years more go by and we are still a family of 2 who decide not to spend any more of our money and efforts on infertility (or adoption), we could travel more. I could maybe eventually leave my job to focus on my art dreams, brush up on some piano lessons, read more books, be the fun aunt, and focus more on my husband, family, and self, etc., etc.  

But.....if children are indeed granted to us one day (I hope with all my heart that they are) we will be over the moon in love with them!