Because I'm not okay.
Infertility sucks. Every baby announcement sucks. Working full time and not being able to accomplish everything I want to sucks. Never even coming remotely close to being caught up on laundry or a clean house sucks. Having no time to become the artist that I want to become sucks. No one buying or caring about my artwork sucks. Being self conscious about myself sucks.
I've always been self conscious, insecure, and slightly ashamed/embarrassed of who I am. I struggled with it as a child, and have carried it almost daily into my adult life. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel like I am going to be good enough for myself. I use social media as a way to try and prove to myself and to others that I am good enough; that I am attractive, normal, confident, and not at all awkward when really, I don't truly believe any of these things to be true, and don't think anyone else does either. I WANT to be those things though, and this is why I post parts of my life on social media.
Things have gotten so bad lately that I have developed social anxiety. And I don't know if the heartache of infertility is just the last straw, but I find myself wishing I didn't ever have to go to work, church, or any other social events. I have a hard time being around people, and almost always want to be left alone. I'm also so self conscious of who I am, that I instantly hate every word that comes out of my mouth, and over analyze every social situation I am in. I worry about how I looked, how I sounded, and what I said. And I just feel really disconnected to people these days. The LDS community has become more of a place of anxiety for me, rather than a place of refuge. I wouldn't say that I am in an emotionally dark place, but I'm definitely in an emotionally odd place.
I am sure it's not true, but I have reverted to feelings I felt as a young teenager: that I am the laughing stock of everyone's day, or that people only talk to me because they pity me. And thus, I just want to be alone. I would normally classify myself as an extroverted introvert, but these days I would be thrilled to become a full on introvert.
I just want to be alone so I can find my happy place. I feel safe and comfortable in my home, with my husband and my dog. I am happy when I am home alone listening to music, singing, ugly dancing, and watching Netflix. I do like to be with family when time permits, and feel most in my element when I am listening to my music and working on the artwork (that I am too tired to be working on).
I also want to be alone so I can focus on my talents and discover any new ones that I might have, or that I might be able to acquire. I've always wanted to sing, despite my self consciousness for the way my voice sounds. I would love to take voice lessons, even though I'm sure it's too late to start at my age.
I've also been in an excruciating waiting game for adoption and IVF for a long time, and it's really getting to me. I've been losing so much sleep over it. When I'm not obsessing over all the creative ideas I wish I had time to bring to life, I'm obsessing over adoption/IVF, and how motherhood feels more like a fantasy than a reality for me.
I feel like I'm so weighed down and so crushed by my own circumstances that my oxygen levels are low. My two biggest dreams are to have a successful career as the kind of artist I want to be, and to be a mother who is given the opportunity to raise a family and give her children a memorable childhood. I want so desperately to experience pregnancy. However, I am neither of these things (successful artist or a mom), and at 30 years old, feel embarrassed of myself that I am so far behind in life on so many levels. I find myself avoiding conversations with others because I feel judged and/or pitied for not fitting the mold of where I should be or want to be at this stage in my life.
I feel like I'm so weighed down and so crushed by my own circumstances that my oxygen levels are low. My two biggest dreams are to have a successful career as the kind of artist I want to be, and to be a mother who is given the opportunity to raise a family and give her children a memorable childhood. I want so desperately to experience pregnancy. However, I am neither of these things (successful artist or a mom), and at 30 years old, feel embarrassed of myself that I am so far behind in life on so many levels. I find myself avoiding conversations with others because I feel judged and/or pitied for not fitting the mold of where I should be or want to be at this stage in my life.
Lastly, I wish to live a day without worrying about who I am. I wish to live a day without feeling like I am not pretty enough, smart enough, or likeable enough the way that I am. I want to be happy and feel normal. I hate that I'm not okay.
It's nearly midnight now. I am so exhausted. I'm sure this post makes no sense and is riddled with typos given the fact that I wrote this so late and am not going to proof read it. I am also almost positive I will regret posting this, as I am probably being overly dramatic because it IS so late and I AM so tired. But at least I poured it out there. Goodnight
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