Update Part 3: Peace, Acceptance, and Faith

Written last Saturday: 

There comes a day when you stop holding your breath and stop praying that things will happen the way you want or expect them to. For me, that day was today. And it isn't because I am giving up, but because even though this life isn't turning out how I expected it to, or even necessarily how I wanted it to, that doesn't mean that my life isn't meaningful or beautiful. And even though it all seems so unfair, and I feel like my heart keeps getting ripped out of my chest, I can still find happiness.

Perhaps the Lord has something a little more unconventional planned for Vance and me, and our path has just been paved a little bit differently than others we see getting blessed in a way we crave to be blessed. Maybe we are not meant to fit a certain mold. Maybe he keeps telling us NO because there is something else we need to do right now. I wish I knew for sure. I'm scared, puzzled, and regrettably jaded, but I think I have a few ideas of what I am meant to do, and who I am meant to become as we continue to move forward. I have faith that Heavenly Father has wonderful things in store for us, we just need to be patient a little while longer.

Update Part 2: IUI

In the same visit that my doctor informed me on the results of the HSG test and the anatomy of my body, I asked if he thought artificial insemination could be a good next step for us, and he said yes. IUI was something Vance and I had been contemplating for awhile, and if the doctor thought it was a good idea, we wanted to go ahead and try it.

Our first round was on August 4th. The doctor agreed that this would be a good next step to take, and thought it could be successful. This was a huge decision for us because we were both so nervous having already spent so much money trying to figure out what is wrong with us while constantly getting our hopes up each month. Plus, the financial burden was, and still is at its all-time high. Because of his current semester of student teaching, we knew Vance would not be able to bring in a paycheck for the next 5 months while we pay for his last semester of school. But we felt strongly about trying it, and went with what we felt was right.

Although it is inexpensive in comparison to in vitro, after medications, trigger shots, doctor visits, ultrasounds, the actual procedure, and the blood work, the price for artificial insemination adds up quickly. Especially when none of it is covered by insurance. Not to mention, the medications do a number on me physically and emotionally. This is not something you want to do month after month. You just dive into it and pray that it will work out in the first, second, or third round.

The day of our first round of artificial insemination, I was nervous, but soooo excited. I drove to work that morning feeling like I was on a cloud, and was just super giddy all day long. When it was time to head back to the doctor's office that afternoon, Vance and I were prepared to become pregnant, and felt for the first time in almost 3 years that it really could and would happen for us. The procedure went soooo smoothly, and really didn't hurt that bad. We said a beautiful prayer right after, and we both felt wonderful. I had a blood test on day 21 of my cycle (on my birthday), and the nurse called me back and told me that I had an extremely high number for ovulation, and that my odds were looking good.

However, 2 weeks after our IUI, my period came.  We were CRUSHED.  It hurt to tell our family, who all knew and were waiting for the news, that it didn't work. Even the doctor admitted he thought we had in it the bag. I grieved and mourned, and constantly had to hide in the bathroom stall at work so that no one would see me crying. Sadness would just overwhelm me at random times of the day, without warning. None of it made any sense. This was supposed to be our time. We had felt so confident, only to be crushed.

Round 2 of artificial insemination took place on September 27th; day 14 of my cycle. Same medications, except for that this time I had added thyroid medication and progesterone into the mix. This would only help the situation, especially the thyroid medication. Since my ovulation date kept falling on the weekend, our doctor  made arrangements to have the procedure take place Saturday morning. This was great, because that meant I didn't have to try and leave work early again, and wouldn't need to feel so rushed this time. It was a cool, cloudy, rainy morning. It was so peaceful and beautiful. We were the only car on the road, everyone else was still in bed. I couldn't help but feel like that peaceful morning where no one else was awake yet, was made just for just us because it was our special day.

This time, the procedure was A LOT more painful. I experienced lots of cramping, and let out a few wails as the catheter entered my uterus. But the ultrasound looked magnificent, and my sweet Vance said another beautiful prayer afterwards. I felt so peaceful as I lay there for the 20-30 recommended minutes after IUI. When we got home, Vance made me breakfast, and we figured it would be best if I rested in bed for a little bit longer before I got up and started doing chores.

By noon, it was clear I wouldn't be doing any chores that day. I had been experiencing extremely painful cramps. In fact, by mid afternoon, they were so bad I could barely even move, and even getting up to go to the bathroom was an impossible feat. I laid curled up in a ball, in bed, all day. It was a pain I had never felt before, not even with menstrual cramps. It felt like my ovaries were going to explode, and I feared Vance might need to take me to the emergency room if the pain didn't decrease soon. It was a miracle I was able to fall asleep that night, but I did it. Luckily by morning, the pain just felt like normal menstruation cramps; slightly unpleasant, but definitely bearable. We prayed that the intense pain was a good sign that my body was just making magic happen.

I had another blood test done on day 21, and the nurse told me that the reason I was in so much pain on they day of our IUI was most likely because my ovulation was EXTREMELY high, and the doctor thinks that two of my active cysts went off at the same time. Great news, right?! And talk about PERFECT timing! Just hours after I was "impregnated" (so to speak), the ovaries were ready to ovulate. The science was perfect; we had the correct ingredients planted at just the right time, and as far as I can gather, we couldn't have done anything more to increase our chances. Well, I bet you can guess what happened next....

2 weeks after our last IUI (just last Friday), my period came.

We both took it really hard. Vance even admitted to me that the night before our second round, he had had a dream where he was patting my growing belly, and it made him feel really confident this time. As heartbroken as we were and still are, last weekend we came to a hard acceptance: Heavenly Father is telling us no.

He has told me "NO" 36 times now. 36! It is so painful to accept this answer when for 3 years we have felt so strongly, and had dreams where we have felt we are supposed to create a family. But the fact that there really isn't anything wrong with either of us (other than a heart-shaped uterus and a thyroid that is in the process of being regulated) shows me that there is a higher authority who for some reason is preventing a baby from growing inside of me right now.

Why it is not our time, I do not understand. But this last month gave me a reality slap across the face and I felt like I was being told that I can try all I want right now, and the Lord still has a say in whether or not it is going to happen for us. He has heard our pleas, and seen the dedication we've given to trying to making this happen. Our efforts have not gone in vain, I know he has seen it. But here's what it comes down to: We are tired of spending all of this money, and even more tired of getting our hopes up and our hearts broken, just to get the clear answer that it isn't going to happen right now. Even when the stars all seem to align, there is something that is holding us back. Thus, Vance and I are done trying for a little while, and instead we are going to spend time thoroughly evaluating what it is that Heavenly Father wants us to do and/or learn right now.

Update Part 1: HSG Results

The last time I posted an entry, I was getting ready to take the HSG dye test.

That was over 4 months ago, and the test did in fact shed a little insight.

The day of the test, Vance and I sat nervously in the radiology waiting room while Despicable Me 2 played in the background. Once they called my name, we went to the procedure room and the nurses went over the process, and what to expect.

Just like all doctor visits related to anything that has to do with going up and inside my private area, I freak myself out. From the moment the nurses tell me to undress from the waist down, to the moment the doctor comes in and tells me to lay down on my back, put my feet in the stirrups, and scooch my bum down to the bottom of the table so my legs will spread, I get anxious.

On my list of things I hate to do, this is definitely one of them. But I do it for future baby. And to be honest, when the HSG test was over, I breathed a sigh of relief because it really wasn't TOO bad. It went relatively quick, and while it was slightly uncomfortable, Vance was at my side.

During the procedure, the radiologist was able to determine from the digital x-ray that was displayed on the television monitor, that my fallopian tubes were wide open; no blockage. He said that everything looked good. Which is good news, right? But it made our hearts sink, because it meant there were still NO immediate answers, and we just spent a lot of money on the test. He said he would send the x-ray results to my OBGYN.

Although disappointed, I was relieved we had done the test, and that it was over. I even felt comfort, as opposed to the anxiety and depression I so often feel. I thought that I would for sure experience anger and depression if I heard one more time that nothing was wrong with my body, but instead I was at peace. Vance and I both remained positive by saying that we were grateful we took the test because at least now we knew that my tubes weren't blocked, and we could continue our journey to becoming pregnant.

Just over a month after taking this test, I got a call from my OB's nurse saying that he looked over my test results, and wanted to go over them with me in person. We knew immediately after taking the test that my tubes weren't blocked. But upon examination of my x rays, my doctor noticed that my uterus is abnormally shaped. He did a little drawing for me. While most women's uterus's are shaped more like a light bulb or a pear, mine in shaped like a heart. They call them uterine horns or something like that.

Normal looking uterus

My uterus

He says women still get pregnant with a bicornate or "heart-shaped" uterus, but the abnormal shape CAN make it more tricky. Especially if I only ovulate in one "horn", but perhaps the sperm is traveling to the other horn. It can also cause some trickiness when a baby does grow because it can make it harder for the baby to rotate to a head first position.

So, it's not much news, but considering this is the ONLY lead on anything we have found since we started getting tested for infertility 2 years ago, it's the only thing we can go off of that might be causing me to have a hard time getting pregnant. And I'm kind of excited to know a little bit more about what's going on inside of my body! Any news is progress.

Oh, and according to my family doctor, my thyroid doesn't work nearly as well as it should. I've have my thyroid tested several times before in the past 3 years, and no one has ever told me this before, so it's a little bit frustrating that one doctor (my OB) says it looks good, and another (Family Dr.) says it doesn't. So I am currently on thyroid medication to help regulate that aspect of my body. Praying it makes a change. For all we know, regulating my thyroid, as well as understanding the shape of my uterus, could be the missing links to my getting pregnant.

Also, one last thing I have failed to mention: Vance is currently taking part in a 6 month fertility study with the University of Utah. Vance is to take a daily folic acid pill, record his events throughout the day, and every couple of months they test his sperm for count, mobility, etc. We are almost certain this study is not the answer to our questions. We know that there is not a problem with Vance, but are hopeful that this study can help the University discover some answers they need that could be used to help other struggling couples.