In the same visit that my doctor informed me on the results of the HSG test and the anatomy of my body, I asked if he thought artificial insemination could be a good next step for us, and he said yes. IUI was something Vance and I had been contemplating for awhile, and if the doctor thought it was a good idea, we wanted to go ahead and try it.
Our first round was on August 4th. The doctor agreed that this would be a good next step to take, and thought it could be successful. This was a huge decision for us because we were both so nervous having already spent so much money trying to figure out what is wrong with us while constantly getting our hopes up each month. Plus, the financial burden was, and still is at its all-time high. Because of his current semester of student teaching, we knew Vance would not be able to bring in a paycheck for the next 5 months while we pay for his last semester of school. But we felt strongly about trying it, and went with what we felt was right.
Although it is inexpensive in comparison to in vitro, after medications, trigger shots, doctor visits, ultrasounds, the actual procedure, and the blood work, the price for artificial insemination adds up quickly. Especially when none of it is covered by insurance. Not to mention, the medications do a number on me physically and emotionally. This is not something you want to do month after month. You just dive into it and pray that it will work out in the first, second, or third round.
The day of our first round of artificial insemination, I was nervous, but soooo excited. I drove to work that morning feeling like I was on a cloud, and was just super giddy all day long. When it was time to head back to the doctor's office that afternoon, Vance and I were prepared to become pregnant, and felt for the first time in almost 3 years that it really could and would happen for us. The procedure went soooo smoothly, and really didn't hurt that bad. We said a beautiful prayer right after, and we both felt wonderful. I had a blood test on day 21 of my cycle (on my birthday), and the nurse called me back and told me that I had an extremely high number for ovulation, and that my odds were looking good.
However, 2 weeks after our IUI, my period came. We were CRUSHED. It hurt to tell our family, who all knew and were waiting for the news, that it didn't work. Even the doctor admitted he thought we had in it the bag. I grieved and mourned, and constantly had to hide in the bathroom stall at work so that no one would see me crying. Sadness would just overwhelm me at random times of the day, without warning. None of it made any sense. This was supposed to be our time. We had felt so confident, only to be crushed.
Round 2 of artificial insemination took place on September 27th; day 14 of my cycle. Same medications, except for that this time I had added thyroid medication and progesterone into the mix. This would only help the situation, especially the thyroid medication. Since my ovulation date kept falling on the weekend, our doctor made arrangements to have the procedure take place Saturday morning. This was great, because that meant I didn't have to try and leave work early again, and wouldn't need to feel so rushed this time. It was a cool, cloudy, rainy morning. It was so peaceful and beautiful. We were the only car on the road, everyone else was still in bed. I couldn't help but feel like that peaceful morning where no one else was awake yet, was made just for just us because it was our special day.
This time, the procedure was A LOT more painful. I experienced lots of cramping, and let out a few wails as the catheter entered my uterus. But the ultrasound looked magnificent, and my sweet Vance said another beautiful prayer afterwards. I felt so peaceful as I lay there for the 20-30 recommended minutes after IUI. When we got home, Vance made me breakfast, and we figured it would be best if I rested in bed for a little bit longer before I got up and started doing chores.
By noon, it was clear I wouldn't be doing any chores that day. I had been experiencing extremely painful cramps. In fact, by mid afternoon, they were so bad I could barely even move, and even getting up to go to the bathroom was an impossible feat. I laid curled up in a ball, in bed, all day. It was a pain I had never felt before, not even with menstrual cramps. It felt like my ovaries were going to explode, and I feared Vance might need to take me to the emergency room if the pain didn't decrease soon. It was a miracle I was able to fall asleep that night, but I did it. Luckily by morning, the pain just felt like normal menstruation cramps; slightly unpleasant, but definitely bearable. We prayed that the intense pain was a good sign that my body was just making magic happen.
Our first round was on August 4th. The doctor agreed that this would be a good next step to take, and thought it could be successful. This was a huge decision for us because we were both so nervous having already spent so much money trying to figure out what is wrong with us while constantly getting our hopes up each month. Plus, the financial burden was, and still is at its all-time high. Because of his current semester of student teaching, we knew Vance would not be able to bring in a paycheck for the next 5 months while we pay for his last semester of school. But we felt strongly about trying it, and went with what we felt was right.
Although it is inexpensive in comparison to in vitro, after medications, trigger shots, doctor visits, ultrasounds, the actual procedure, and the blood work, the price for artificial insemination adds up quickly. Especially when none of it is covered by insurance. Not to mention, the medications do a number on me physically and emotionally. This is not something you want to do month after month. You just dive into it and pray that it will work out in the first, second, or third round.
The day of our first round of artificial insemination, I was nervous, but soooo excited. I drove to work that morning feeling like I was on a cloud, and was just super giddy all day long. When it was time to head back to the doctor's office that afternoon, Vance and I were prepared to become pregnant, and felt for the first time in almost 3 years that it really could and would happen for us. The procedure went soooo smoothly, and really didn't hurt that bad. We said a beautiful prayer right after, and we both felt wonderful. I had a blood test on day 21 of my cycle (on my birthday), and the nurse called me back and told me that I had an extremely high number for ovulation, and that my odds were looking good.
However, 2 weeks after our IUI, my period came. We were CRUSHED. It hurt to tell our family, who all knew and were waiting for the news, that it didn't work. Even the doctor admitted he thought we had in it the bag. I grieved and mourned, and constantly had to hide in the bathroom stall at work so that no one would see me crying. Sadness would just overwhelm me at random times of the day, without warning. None of it made any sense. This was supposed to be our time. We had felt so confident, only to be crushed.
Round 2 of artificial insemination took place on September 27th; day 14 of my cycle. Same medications, except for that this time I had added thyroid medication and progesterone into the mix. This would only help the situation, especially the thyroid medication. Since my ovulation date kept falling on the weekend, our doctor made arrangements to have the procedure take place Saturday morning. This was great, because that meant I didn't have to try and leave work early again, and wouldn't need to feel so rushed this time. It was a cool, cloudy, rainy morning. It was so peaceful and beautiful. We were the only car on the road, everyone else was still in bed. I couldn't help but feel like that peaceful morning where no one else was awake yet, was made just for just us because it was our special day.
This time, the procedure was A LOT more painful. I experienced lots of cramping, and let out a few wails as the catheter entered my uterus. But the ultrasound looked magnificent, and my sweet Vance said another beautiful prayer afterwards. I felt so peaceful as I lay there for the 20-30 recommended minutes after IUI. When we got home, Vance made me breakfast, and we figured it would be best if I rested in bed for a little bit longer before I got up and started doing chores.
By noon, it was clear I wouldn't be doing any chores that day. I had been experiencing extremely painful cramps. In fact, by mid afternoon, they were so bad I could barely even move, and even getting up to go to the bathroom was an impossible feat. I laid curled up in a ball, in bed, all day. It was a pain I had never felt before, not even with menstrual cramps. It felt like my ovaries were going to explode, and I feared Vance might need to take me to the emergency room if the pain didn't decrease soon. It was a miracle I was able to fall asleep that night, but I did it. Luckily by morning, the pain just felt like normal menstruation cramps; slightly unpleasant, but definitely bearable. We prayed that the intense pain was a good sign that my body was just making magic happen.
I had another blood test done on
day 21, and the nurse told me that the reason I was in so much pain on they day of our
IUI was most likely because my ovulation was EXTREMELY high, and the doctor
thinks that two of my active cysts went off at the same time. Great
news, right?! And talk about PERFECT timing! Just hours after I was "impregnated" (so to speak), the ovaries were ready to ovulate. The science was perfect; we had the correct ingredients planted at just the right time, and as far as I can gather, we couldn't have done anything more to increase our chances. Well, I bet you can guess what happened next....
2 weeks after our last IUI (just last Friday), my period came.
We both took it really hard. Vance even admitted to me that the night before our second round, he had had a dream where he was patting my growing belly, and it made him feel really confident this time. As heartbroken as we were and still are, last weekend we came to a hard acceptance: Heavenly Father is telling us no.
He
has told me "NO" 36 times now. 36! It is so painful to accept this answer
when for 3 years we have felt so strongly, and had dreams where we have
felt we are supposed to create a family. But the fact that there really
isn't anything wrong with either of us (other than a heart-shaped uterus and a thyroid that is in the process of being regulated) shows me that there is a higher
authority who for some reason is preventing a baby from growing inside
of me right now.
Why it is not our time, I do not understand. But this
last month gave me a reality slap across the face and I felt like I was being told that I can try all I
want right now, and the Lord still has a say in whether or not it is going to happen for us. He has heard our pleas, and seen the dedication we've given to
trying to making this happen. Our efforts have not gone in vain, I know
he has seen it. But here's what it comes down to: We are tired of
spending all of this money, and even more tired of getting our hopes up and our hearts broken, just to get the
clear answer that it isn't going to happen right now. Even when the stars all seem to align, there is something that is holding us back. Thus, Vance and I are done
trying for a little while, and instead we are going to spend time thoroughly evaluating what it is that
Heavenly Father wants us to do and/or learn right now.
I love you. And know that there are so many others who echo your exact thoughts and feel the same feelings. No one should have to feel that way. It's the worst thing in the world. But I have to hold the faith that Heavenly Father has glorious things in store...and the timing is all His.
ReplyDeleteThanks for blogging this. You're in my prayers!