The first 2 weeks of the ride is filled with a lot of ups and a lot of excitement. You are constantly seeing nurses and getting updates on how your body is doing and how well you are responding to medications. Every change to your body is exciting because it means the medications are working and that you are one step closer to reaching your ultimate goal of parenthood. Everything moves so fast paced you don't even really have time to worry or think that it might not work out. I don't know about other women going through this part of the IVF process, but for me during the first two weeks, I felt really confident and full of hope.
However, the last 2 weeks of the ride are a whole different story....
After your embryo transfer, you are left in a 2 week waiting game with no doctor visits and no updates on what is happening inside of your body. You have no nurses encouraging you and telling you that everything is going to work out, and no doctors saying that everything looks great. You feel somewhat abandoned, and suddenly every worry and doubt you could possibly have is amplified to the extreme. Confidence is replaced with skepticism. Excitement is replaced with fear. Peace is replaced with anxiety. Hope is replaced with doubt. Every period symptom cramp and tiny little feeling inside your body feels like a negative sign. You know you are supposed to think positive thoughts, but instead you are trapped in some weird negative limbo, wondering how you will react when you finally do get one of two answers. You almost feel like the game is over before you even really know for sure if it is.
I recently re-acquainted myself with an old song by the incredible Ben Folds. I used to listen to Ben on the regular, but it has probably been a few years since I've pulled him up on my iPod. I was skimming through my iPod a few weeks ago when I was just starting the IVF journey and gasped when I remembered one of his songs I nearly forgot about. This song has always been a favorite of mine, because it's a song about me. However, as I listened to this song for the first time in a few years, it took on a whole new meaning to me. It applies so perfectly to not only my 2 week wait, but the nearly 5 year wait of infertility I have gone through. The fact that the song is about Anni(e) makes it too perfect and sentimental not to share. The song is called Annie Waits.
(Note: For those who don't know, Anni (without an E), has been my nickname since I was kid. Family and close friends call me Anni.)
Press play, it's worth a listen :)
The true meaning of this song in a nutshell is about a girl named Annie who waits and waits for the guy she's in love with who will never fully commit to her, yet she keeps justifying why he's a jerk who is always disappointing her... until one day she's finally had enough and breaks free from him. All the while the narrator of the song is in love with Annie and waits and waits for her, but she never chooses him. It's a sad song :(
I've obviously re-interpreted the song's meaning to this:
Anni (without an E) has been waiting for years and years to have a child, yet despite all of her efforts she has never been able to conceive. In just a few days time she is going to receive a call from a fertility nurse that could possibly change her life and make her the happiest woman in the world. However, a large part of her fears that it will be the same heartbreaking news she's had for the past 5 years. Her biological clock is ticking as she keeps getting older, yet she keeps trying and pushing forward. Shadows pass her by and out of sight as families around her continue to grow and hers never does. She and her husband have been dreaming of their future with a small family for years, but every time their dreams are crushed she tends to think that maybe they would be better off alone; just the 2 of them. She is getting so emotionally and physically worn down from trying to chase after her maternal dreams, and sometimes feels like she is ready to throw in the towel. However, Anni waits for the last time when she is finally able to receive the medical treatment of IVF she's been desiring. After a torturous 2 week wait and an even more torturous 5 year wait, it's finally her turn.
Let's all pray that Anni really does wait for the last time. C'mon Nemo!
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