Catch 22

Overwhelmed. I'm in a catch 22 and I don't know what to do.

Note: (Don't feel obligated to read this entry, it is mostly just a venting diary post to help me clear my thoughts and get things off my chest. One of the most helpful forms of therapy for me is to write things out).

I feel like I either need to choose between being a dedicated housewife/homemaker, or an artist, because I cannot do both so long as I work full time. I try to do it all, and everything just ends up mediocre at best. Mediocre house, mediocre to zero art. By the time I come home from work, cook, and clean up, I'm exhausted, and only desire to vedge on the couch and watch tv.

It is my constant personal battle of having this..

The picture perfect home with a smile on my face

vs. being this..

The inner artist emerges once again

I cannot do both. I do not mean this with a surrendering or hopeless attitude, I've just accepted that I am not super woman. It just is not healthy or possible for me to excel at everything, and still keep my sanity.

Problem is, I want both terribly- a clean, cozy, relaxing house, AND a creative lifestyle where I get to paint and draw pretty pictures, ALL with time to spare when I come home from work. (Is this even possible, or is it an unrealistic fairytale?)

For me, maintaining everyday life (cooking, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping etc.) is a full time job that never really gets done. I'm sure many would agree that that same applies for them too, I just feel like I struggle at this more than the average Joe does.

I'm a lousy housewife.

I give major props to anyone out there who can maintain a beautiful home- especially if you are a full time mother, or work a full time job.  Props to my own mother, who worked full time, came home and cooked dinner for 5 kids, cleaned up and did our laundry and made our lunches, and still had time to love us and not show any discouragement.

I'm naturally a slob, and organization does not come easily for me, so as mentioned, I have to work EXTRA hard at keeping a place clean. I'm basically a tornado. I whirl around really fast (leaving messes in my trail), go to whatever destination I'm headed to, and come home to a natural disaster hours later. I could possibly have a nice home, but I'd have to give up for a little while on trying to make my dreams come true, and work harder and putting things away when I'm done.

My biggest dream in life (other than being a wife and future mommy) is to become a professional artist, which is ALSO a full time job. I receive more inspiration and ideas than I even know what to do with. When I'm at work or driving in my car, all I can think about is how much I want to make the ideas in my head come to life. I have too many ideas though, that I become overwhelmed with where to begin. So the ideas keep adding and piling up in my head or sketch book, and I rarely do anything with them. It breaks my heart a little.

The catch 22 is that I will feel like I lose no matter what I choose. If I choose to focus on my art, the messiness builds in our tiny little home, and the place goes to shambles. I know this, because it's true. When I was a single, college art student, I had no time to take care of such things as a nice apartment. Messes, clutter, and projects were everywhere, with little to no food in the fridge and cupboards, and top ramen, canned raviolis,  or instant potatoes for dinner. That's just the life of an artist, I suppose. But I'm MORE than just an artist now. I am a wife, and hope to someday become a mother.

I didn't mind this then - the neglecting of household chores or well balanced meals - but I do now that I am married and have my own home. I now NOTICE the messes made and left behind and the lack of food or home cooked meals, and it bothers me. Mostly because it's not fair to Vance, especially when we live in such small quarters, where even just dedicating our kitchen table to my projects makes the whole house look like a disaster.

I need a studio :) A place where messes are not a problem, and are in fact, welcome and expected.

However, If I choose to focus on the home though, and keep the place clean and in tact, a little piece of me dies inside, because art is being pushed to the backburner. It's in my blood to create, and it is a constant nagging desire, or an itch if you will, to make the images in my head come to life.

I wish I had the super power of not having to sleep, or wanting to watch TV. Then I would have enough time to accomplish everything :)

Stay tuned next entry, as I write about (and post pictures) of mine and Vance's work trip to the Big Apple.

Week at a Glance

Fun times have been following us lately, and continue to do so. Here's a quick timeline of our recent adventures:

Saturday, Feb 4 - I had lunch and caught up with my dear church gal pals growing up in Midway, and Vance went skiing up at Deer Valley in Park City.

Okay, so this picture is 2 years old, but it's the same girls. We didn't take any pictures this time though, so this one will do.

He's a natural :)

Sunday, Feb. 5 - Super Bowl party at our friends the Bishop's house. Many delicious foods and treats were consumed. Vance didn't really care for either team this year, but it was still fun. Sorry, no pictures of this event :(

Monday, Feb. 6 - I went to the Parachute concert with my friend/co-worker. It was an amazing show!

Friday, Feb 9 - So, Utah Valley University is having a Harry Potter party tonight, complete with butterbeer and pumpkin juice, but alas, I don't think we will be able to attend. We have some packing to do, and Vance has 3 tests to take. But how cool would that be if we could go? This nerd right here would be in magical heaven. 

Friday, Feb 10 - Vance's Birthday! Happy 24, sweets :) AND......
Vance and I fly to NYC with my company to work at the Toy Fair. We are so excited!

Stay tuned next week for pictures :) May you all have enjoyable weekends.

Has Spring Sprung?

Well that was an interesting January, and I'm not talking about any of the events that occurred.

I'm referring to the weather. Never have I been so confused by a Utah winter in my entire life.

Not once did my lips turn their natural shade of blue, nor did my hands become a permanent block of ice.  I never experienced the painful feeling of the blood defrosting in my fingertips as a result of frozen phalanges. My lower jaw didn't chatter at a million miles a minute. My "chicken skin" goosebumps were kept to a minimal. I rarely had to defrost my car, or wear my pink rubber snow boots, and I surely never had to scrape the windows of my car.

I didn't scream in pain as a result of walking through windy, icy air. I didn't fall flat on my bum whilst walking out the door. I didn't watch my breath stand frozen in mid air. My wet hair didn't turn to slush on the way to work. My car didn't slide all over the road as a result of constant snow. We didn't have to dig our cars out of any snow banks. We drove through Provo Canyon many times without ever really having to worry if it would be safe or not. Deer Creek Lake never once looked like a giant skating rink. I didn't FREEZE.

Instead, here's what DID happen.

We went outdoor mini golfing in our t-shirts. We saw people out walking dogs in light jackets. I heard many birds chirping. I drove around town with my windows rolled down. We witnessed neighbors raking leaves and having garage sales. I dressed the majority of each day like it was late fall or early spring. I left the office in the evening and drove home while it was still light. Everything was so convenient. If you grew up in Utah, you know that the winter months are practically never easy and are certainly not convenient.

As a result, I had anxiety and often caught myself freaking out. Don't get me wrong, I loved it- It was just such a strange experience for me. This is not a winter I have ever known or experienced in my 25 years of life. My body, nor my mindset just weren't prepared to take a vacation from what is usually the bleakest, most depressing time of the year.

Strangely, this is also the first year I was actually hoping it would be FREEZING cold, so that it could maybe help get rid of our apartment's spider infestation problem. We haven't seen very many of these horrible creatures since fall started, but I'm nervous that with such a warm, mild winter, this summer will be nuts. Last summer was awful- we found hundreds of disgustingly creepy legs crawling around our home, and that was after a pretty harsh winter.  If you know me at all,  you know that I absolutely hate spiders and am deathly afraid of them. There is NOTHING worse to me than knowing a spider is in my home. I wanted this winter to just completely freeze and kill them all, but with this spring-like weather, they probably never even left or died :( Sigh.

On another note, and an ending on at that, here's a (super) quick little timeline of what the hubs and I did this month:

We went to a Jazz game and watched our men kill Deron Williams and the Nets.

I still slightly cheered for Deron, but only a little bit

and....
 
Went tubing at Soldier Hollow. (It finally snowed a smidge towards the end of the month, but the machines still had to make a majority of it).

Until next time!