Note: (Don't feel obligated to read this entry, it is mostly just a venting diary post to help me clear my thoughts and get things off my chest. One of the most helpful forms of therapy for me is to write things out).
I feel like I either need to choose between being a dedicated housewife/homemaker, or an artist, because I cannot do both so long as I work full time. I try to do it all, and everything just ends up mediocre at best. Mediocre house, mediocre to zero art. By the time I come home from work, cook, and clean up, I'm exhausted, and only desire to vedge on the couch and watch tv.
It is my constant personal battle of having this..
 |
| The picture perfect home with a smile on my face |
vs. being this..
 |
| The inner artist emerges once again |
I cannot do both. I do not mean this with a surrendering or hopeless attitude, I've just accepted that I am not super woman. It just is not healthy or possible for me to excel at everything, and still keep my sanity.
Problem is, I want both terribly- a clean, cozy, relaxing house, AND a creative lifestyle where I get to paint and draw pretty pictures, ALL with time to spare when I come home from work. (Is this even possible, or is it an unrealistic fairytale?)
For me, maintaining everyday life (cooking, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping etc.) is a full time job that never really gets done. I'm sure many would agree that that same applies for them too, I just feel like I struggle at this more than the average Joe does.
I'm a lousy housewife.
I give major props to anyone out there who can maintain a beautiful home- especially if you are a full time mother, or work a full time job. Props to my own mother, who worked full time, came home and cooked dinner for 5 kids, cleaned up and did our laundry and made our lunches, and still had time to love us and not show any discouragement.
I'm naturally a slob, and organization does not come easily for me, so as mentioned, I have to work EXTRA hard at keeping a place clean. I'm basically a tornado. I whirl around really fast (leaving messes in my trail), go to whatever destination I'm headed to, and come home to a natural disaster hours later. I could possibly have a nice home, but I'd have to give up for a little while on trying to make my dreams come true, and work harder and putting things away when I'm done.
My biggest dream in life (other than being a wife and future mommy) is to become a professional artist, which is ALSO a full time job. I receive more inspiration and ideas than I even know what to do with. When I'm at work or driving in my car, all I can think about is how much I want to make the ideas in my head come to life. I have too many ideas though, that I become overwhelmed with where to begin. So the ideas keep adding and piling up in my head or sketch book, and I rarely do anything with them. It breaks my heart a little.
The catch 22 is that I will feel like I lose no matter what I choose. If I choose to focus on my art, the messiness builds in our tiny little home, and the place goes to shambles. I know this, because it's true. When I was a single, college art student, I had no time to take care of such things as a nice apartment. Messes, clutter, and projects were everywhere, with little to no food in the fridge and cupboards, and top ramen, canned raviolis, or instant potatoes for dinner. That's just the life of an artist, I suppose. But I'm MORE than just an artist now. I am a wife, and hope to someday become a mother.
I didn't mind this then - the neglecting of household chores or well balanced meals - but I do now that I am married and have my own home. I now NOTICE the messes made and left behind and the lack of food or home cooked meals, and it bothers me. Mostly because it's not fair to Vance, especially when we live in such small quarters, where even just dedicating our kitchen table to my projects makes the whole house look like a disaster.
I need a studio :) A place where messes are not a problem, and are in fact, welcome and expected.
However, If I choose to focus on the home though, and keep the place clean and in tact, a little piece of me dies inside, because art is being pushed to the backburner. It's in my blood to create, and it is a constant nagging desire, or an itch if you will, to make the images in my head come to life.
I wish I had the super power of not having to sleep, or wanting to watch TV. Then I would have enough time to accomplish everything :)
Stay tuned next entry, as I write about (and post pictures) of mine and Vance's work trip to the Big Apple.
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